Shake It Off

I want you to watch this video.

A few months ago I had a few articles published on a third party website. I worked hard on the articles, and was thrilled when they were published. (It's a big feeling to have a byline out in the world, especially as a writer.) Of course, with a published piece,  comes the commentary. Most of the commentary I could handle. There were rebuttals to my thoughts, as well as compliments. I was so excited my work was touching lives. (in all reality, one of the pieces was complete satire, but still, I was reaching people.) Then came the nasty comments. I've never really been a victim of cyberbullying, so it's never really seemed real. This was different. People I'd never met, who have no idea who I am, were creating an image of me they saw as accurate.

"Sad to see another woman succumb to the lies of feminism."

"For a "20-something writer" (c'mon, could you be anymore cliche?) you have far too many grammatical and spelling mistakes for such a short piece. Also, perhaps it isn't your Christian background pushing you away from marriage, but your pretentious attitude towards even the most minuscule of things such as "people on Facebook"; that, or maybe it's your looks that aren't helping you secure a groom."

"You aren't going to "find yourself". You aren't going to have "a rewarding adventure". All you're going to do is look back on your decision and regret not having kids earlier."

"What kind of perverted embodiment of self-righteousness is the expectation that people would only post and share what YOU want to hear?"

"To be "friends" with someone who you so obviously revile, makes you dishonest. Why are you even friends with them.? Odds are that they wish you would get lost anyway. Do them a favor. Quit hanging around to be nosy and delete yourself."

"I feel sorry she feels like a third wheel around happy, loving couples. She should spend some time journaling about her attitude towards these things rather than criticize others, maybe that will help her find the joy she needs to find her love."

"And to describe yourself as a "20-something writer" and then write a rant about stereotypical annoying Facebook statuses makes you look like you couldn't think of anything interesting, intelligent, or at least something mildly funny to write about.
I get that this "article" was supposed to be light and humorous, but it just ended up making the author look like an unintelligent condescending idiot."

Do people really think this is okay? I tend to see the best in people, and have a hard time imagining someone saying these types of things to my face, but how is the computer a safeguard. Words are words. It breaks my heart to think there are individuals out there, so set on being mean. What do they gain?

Some of the comments weren't outright mean, but very assuming. The ironic thing about each of these articles is that I was, and still am, in a loving committed relationship. Most of the comments pointed to the writers assuming I was alone and bitter. Quite the opposite.

Remember computers aren't armor. When you say something online, that person still feels like they got punched in the gut, Be kind. In all communication we should seek to be uplifting, and truthful, but virtuous. If you aren't going to say something helpful, don't share.

In the grand scheme of things, the commentary I received wasn't too scathing. No one told me to kill myself. It's incredible to me, that not being told to kill myself is a good day. No one should feel that way. No one has the right to tell you to go die. It's unkind and completely strips all value from the human life before you. It's not always easy to shake it off. Words can be weapons too.

Until next time,

H.

Confessions Of An Anti-shopaholic

I've never been a shopper. Even as a teenager, I would rarely get the urge to spend the day at the mall shopping for clothes. I wanted to look like everyone else, but had little motivation to do the work to get me there. This attitude has carried into my adult life, though now I have a lack of time and money to use as a crutch. 

Recently, however, I've noticed that though I have plenty of clothes, I am lacking in quality and versatility. I have few basic pieces to help me craft cute, age appropriate outfits. 

Real life story: I had a job interview this

summer and only two possible outfits. Neither was very appropriate but it was more so than the rest of my collection. I had to wear tights and boots with a skirt in the middle of July. I was fine inside, but the interviews ended up being outside and I was dying. I vowed then to get a workable interview outfit, but have yet to do so. 

I've been following Chelsea Fagan on Instagram, who has adopted a "neutral life" attitude in her closet. She wears nothing but neutral colors. For her it says sophistication and versatility. While I think having a strictly neutral palette is rather boring, I think her outlook and way of changing her wardrobe is to be admired. 

I need to take my wardrobe to the next level. I need to create a goal, and find an inspiration closet. I need to stop picking up mismatched cheaply made pieces, and start to create an adult wardrobe for my adult life. 

It will be a slow process, as I still have the whole too little time and too little funds issue, but I'm excited to get started on this. It will be especially exciting as I have been getting back into the groove of working out, and my body is changing in all the best ways. I'm looking forward to finding pieces which flatter my figure and my wallet.

Stay tuned! 

H. 

Have the Most Productive Day

With the hours I have at work, I get Monday's off. I chose this for myself for two reasons. 1. I hate the feeling I get on Sunday night, that the inevitable Monday is closing in, and 2. I was hoping to be more productive on Monday, vs. Friday. (I still have a partial day on Fridays, so you know it's a win-win)

I have LOVED being able to avoid the impending Monday feeling, but the productivity aspect was thrown to the wind when I realized I could do everything I wanted to. I usually choose doing a whole lotta notta. 

Today was a wonderful exception to that. 

I woke up this morning about 9 am (still enough wonderful time to sleep in), looked around at my clean room (Which I cleaned on Saturday ...go me!) and tried to figure out what I was going to do with myself all day. My apartment has recently suffered a loss of internet, so netflix, and random internet surfing was out of the question. At first I thought this was a bummer, but then I realized I finally had the motivation to get out and moving.  

Rather than lingering in bed and wasting the day, I took a shower, and got dressed in real clothes, and did my hair. Then, I made myself breakfast, and grabbed my backpack. Armed with a lunch, and supplies to keep me busy all day, I left for the library. 

All day I've been writing researching for various books I'm writing. It's amazing to me how much writing I can accomplish when I force myself to sit down, and just do it. I wrote FOUR CHAPTERS of a book I've been procrastinating, and outlined another book. Sure, the writing is probably terrible, and I will need to revise like crazy, but I got it out, and I am so impressed with myself right now. I can't remember the last time I had a day like this, and it isn't over. I still have three hours at the library, and then gym time. Yay for productivity! 

Until Next time, 

H. 

*Disclaimer: This post was written in a flash of procrastination, but you know I still owned today, so I'll get over it. 

Incentive

This whole cycle of working out, vs not working out is tiring. It's a pain to figure out when to start up again, and it's a pain to get back into the habit of working on myself. Today, on my bus ride into work, I began thinking of all the ways I shortcut myself and end up losing....or in this case gaining in all the wrong ways.

1. Eating out.
This is my biggest road block. It's so much easier than making the food myself, and more often than not it tastes really good too. There are two problems I see with this. First, eating out packs on the calories. There is always WAY more salt, oil, and sugar...along with a plethora of other unrecognizable substances....stuffed into the food at restaurants. Second, the money lost on a meal out. Kman and I grabbed Pad Thai while out and about, $14 dollars for us to share a plate of Pad Thai and some spring rolls. $14 for a SHARED meal...imagine if we had been hungrier and needed more food. It's a problem I have, and I know it.

2. Being a Night Owl.
My average bedtime is 11:30 or so. I don't have to be into work until 9, so it's usually not an issue....unless I want to work out before I go. Dragging my lazy butt out of bed at 6 in the morning, after being up until almost midnight is near impossible. If I would just go to bed an hour or two earlier, I would have time to make it to the gym before I catch my bus.

3. Procrastination
"The gym will be there after work, I'll go then."
Yeah right. The gym will be there. But I won't be. I'll get off work, and realize it's dark, so I'll want to go home and curl up with a cup of tea and Netflix instead of getting dressed in my gym clothes and making the 5 minute walk to the gym. Then, I rationalize and tel myself that I will get up in the morning...but then I don't get to sleep until midnight, and so ensues the vicious cycle of procrastination.

4. Netflix, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter Cookie Jam, and All Other Means of Distraction
(It's a long list)
If I could count the number of Saturdays high-jacked by any or all of these distractions, I would get even more depressed. I waste my time on so many of these things, it's ridiculous. When i wake up, one of the fist things I do is check Facebook. Why? Well, something must have happened in the 7 hours I was asleep, right? No. I'm just a lazy bum. If I were to jump start my day and get out of bed, and right into my gym clothes, the rest of my day would probably be 10x more productive. But, I let myself get distracted and then I don't get anything done. It's a problem.

So there is my list. I know there are more out there, but I either can't remember them, or I am ashamed to admit them right now. After I brainstormed this list, I decided the helpful next step would be to find ways around these roadblocks I have. So, I found incentive. Other than the real, and very rewarding incentive of actually being healthy, I needed something else (Yeah, I'm selfish too.) So here it is:

BOOKS.

Every month I will keep a running tally of points. I'll be able to earn points for working out, eating at home rather than out, and getting to bed on time. At the end of the month, if I have enough tally's I will have earned an afternoon in a bookstore. I can buy something based on the number of points I have. I plan on using all of the money I will be saving from eating out, so it's a win-win.

On Taylor Swift and Things

"Don't get comfortable,"

My dad took me to dinner the other day, and that was his advice to me. As I've mentioned before, I have a tendency to get comfortable even if I'm not actually comfortable. I have a hard time forcing myself to change and grow, but that's exactly what being uncomfortable leads to.

It's a constant struggle because I have these dreams to be a different, better version of myself, someone doing all these wonderful things, but I don't do the work to get there.

Every once in a while I get into these moods where I feel I can conquer the world. I usually make it a few days on a new endeavor before my steam runs out and I settle back into my rut of daydreaming and planning.

Planning is the enemy of me living my life.

I'm a planner. I have a new idea on the daily, but little to no motivation to push through and actually try it. I don't know that I could count the number of half finished job applications, partially formed business plans, or self improvement books. 

K-man and I had a real life conversation one night, and he expressed his concern on the topic. He's bothered by my lack of desire to expand my horizons. (That sounds mean, but it wasn't I promise.) It was exactly what I needed to hear. He knows I have so much more to offer the world, but I hold myself back.

I do this for two reasons I think. The first: I'm afraid of hurting myself.

What if it doesn't work? What if it hurts? What if I spend all the time and money and I'm a complete failure?

The second reason: what if I hurt someone else? What if they are hurt I quit? What if they are sad I move away? What if I disappoint them?

The silliest thing about all of it, is that even if I am a failure, or I lose a ton of money, I won't actually BE a failure. I'll have learned. I'll know one more way to not go about living my life. I'll have one more job to add to my resume, one more story for the grand children. The other silly part is when I worry about other people, or what they think. Sure, there are times I need to consider someone's feelings and understand their fears or disappointment. Most of the time however, it's not valid. It may be a valid reason to proceed with caution, but it most certainly is not a reason to stop all progress.

At this point, I'm sure many of you are wondering what this has to do with Tswift....or not, but I'll flatter myself enough to believe you are.

Well, her new song Blank Space is actually what finally prompted me to write it all down. A few lines in particular:

"So it's gonna be forever or its gonna go down in flames. You can tell me when it's over if the high was worth the pain.....cause we're young and we're reckless, we'll take this way too far. It will leave you breathless or with a nasty scar."

Obviously because it's Tswift, she's talking about a boy and all the adventures they pack with them, but I feel there's a plethora of meanings here.

I'm 21 years old, and I already feel settled. I feel old. I have the time AND the energy to try new things. I could be living anywhere doing anything. And sure, to quote Taylor, it might leave me with some nasty scars, but scars are better than regret. I would hate to look back on my life, as wonderful as it is, and wonder what could have been. I've seen one too many hallmark movies which illustrate that for me.

So thanks Taylor, you may have inspired another burst of motivation. Who knows where this one might lead.

Ps. I don't want crap for liking Tswizzle. Her newest album may or may not have changed my life. And as she would say "haters gonna hate, hate, hate."

5 Thing I Wish Everyone Knew About Me

1. Sometimes your well-meant comments about my life hurt my feelings.
I would consider myself a positive person. I lead a happy life, and I don't let a lot of things get to me. Every once in a while, however, someone who has the best intentions says something which they mean in the best of ways, and it hits me where it hurts. These kinds of things travel, and being the people pleaser that I am, when I hear someone is disappointed in me, it's a tough blow to take.

2. Falling for the "wrong" person is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
It's time to address the elephant in the room. Kman is not a member of the same church I am. For a lot of people that was, and still is, a tough pill to swallow. Having said that, our relationship is ours. We work through our troubles just like anyone else, and we're gonna be okay. He's one of my closest and dearest friends and I fall for him over and over again every single day. I would like to say I appreciate all the unsolicited advice I've gotten, but I don't. In fact, it really bothers me. I don't know if other people in different kinds of relationships get it too, but I can tell you that from my perspective it doesn't come across well. I still believe in a personal life, despite this incredibly open and "social" world. If I ask, let me have it. If not, please don't.

3. I'm not the same person I was in high school. I for one, am really glad this is true. Going to college, and then moving out into the big wide world helped me grow into the person I am today. In my eyes, that person is much more accepting and understanding than the girl in high school. I want different things and I live my life differently than I did then. In someways I'm softer and more open. In others, I have stronger opinions. I grew up. It happens.

4. I'm extremely proned to doing things because I'm comfortable, not because it's the best option.
Habits are easier to keep than to break. I don't like I contention so I'd rather stay at a job that doesn't fill all my needs than go for an awesome opportunity that will benefit me later. I get stuck a lot. It takes a little push from that thing called life for me to get going, but I have to do it on my own. I'm also extremely stubborn, and won't let anyone else change it for me.

5. I apologize way too much, but not in the right ways.
This one is a work in progress, but I tend to apologize for things even when it's not my fault. I'm trying to stop this, because I've found that "sorry" is coming more as a reflex than as an actual apology when it is my fault. I want my word to mean something, and my apology to be more than a tagline.

That Thing Everyone Talks About

Hi, My name is Hannah and I've been gluten free for 5 days.
It seems to me that "gluten free" has been a fad in our society for the past year or so. Before the wave of anti-grains, I knew one or two people who were either compelled for health reasons, or chose to give up gluten, and it's family of delicious treats. Now, every other person I meet is gluten free. There are a plethora of recipes on Pinterest for gluten free substitutions, and the grocery store has all the alternatives stocked and ready to go.
I decided to go gluten free as an experiment. I have struggled with anxiety for some time now, and giving up gluten was the final step (before pharmaceuticals) to try and combat it. Believe me, I've tried everything from melatonin before bed, to running daily. Recently, I noticed my moodiness and anxious behavior was effecting my relationship with K-man. I was snapping at him for little to no reason, and was having a hard time getting motivated for any of our fun activities.
Finally, I woke up one morning, and decided I would try going gluten free. I had heard stories of this helping other people with similar issues so I thought "What's the hurt in trying for a month?"
Nothing. There is no hurt at all. Within a day, I discovered the benefits. I woke up in a better state of mind, and had an easier time falling asleep. My day isn't over at 5 when I get off work. I feel motivated to continue my day, and get more accomplished. I am much more pleasant around everyone, including K-man. He turned to me the other day and said "I like you like this, you have no idea how it makes me feel when I come over after work and you are in a great mood."
I know I'm not allergic to gluten. I don't get stomach ache eating it, nor do I have any other muscle aches or pains. I can eat it and I digest it fine. BUT, for some reason it affects my mood, and state of mind. As much as it pains me to say this, going GF worked for me.
Believe me, my mom has been trying to get me to go GF for some time now, and I've avoided it at all costs. Now, however I don't believe I will be going back to my good friend. I may treat myself every once in a while, but I will be 99% GF from now on.
(Side story, the other day, I really wanted pancakes so I made some, and I regretted it the rest of the day. I was moody, and negative, and worriesome all over again.)
Along with going GF, I've been juicing. K-man and I have been trying to lose weight, and get more active, so I welcomed the gifted juicer into my home with open arms. Every morning for breakfast I make some juice, and start my day off with a punch of vitamins and minerals.
So there is my success story. At this point, I've had my mom help me with finding alternatives, and K-man encouraging me to just say no, when bread calls my name. Last night for dinner, and today for lunch I made SUPER yummy cauliflower crust pizza. I normally shudder at the thought of cauliflower, but anything smothered in cheese, and covered in garlic ranch sauce sounds good to me. The night before that, I joined my family for dinner, where we had fried chicken and gravy, with chocolate cake, all without sugar, gluten, or dairy... (My mom is a miracle worker). It was delicious and I didn't feel like I had indulged or broken my diet. It was awesome. I can still eat most of the wonderful things I love, with little modification.
So the moral of the story is your mom is right. Mine had been telling me I could feel this great for some time now, and I couldn't (or wouldn't) hear her over the call of doughnuts.
So there ya have it.