To My Muse

I was told to not write about you.
But not writing about you feels wrong.
I want to write all about you. I want to write about your smile, the way it catches me off guard. The way I swoon a little when I catch you staring at me and then you laugh.
I always ask you what you're thinking about, and you always say nothing. I know that can't be true though. I know that because it's not true for me. When I stare at you my mind is running a thousand miles a minute.
I think about our future. I think about the way you tickle me because you know that as much as I resist you, I secretly love it. I think about the way you have little secrets, and how I also love that because it means there is so much more to know about you.
I was told not to write about you because then you'd be eternal. You would forever be embossed on the world, through my words.
But, is that wrong?
Not writing about you is what feels wrong. I want to tell the world. I want to exploit the awkwardness of our first kiss. I want to rehash our first fight. It was about tea.
I want to write about you because I want to world to know about you too. I want everyone to know about how you take care of me when I'm sick. How you tease me, how you say all the wrong things in just the right way. The way you believe in every endeavor I embark on, no matter how crazy it seems.
I'm supposed to write about what I know. You are what I know.
I know your laugh. I know the patterns of your breath when you're upset. I know the flicker of mischief in your eyes just before you jump into some childish scheme.
Encapsulating you in my words is a challenge. It pushes me to find new words to describe what I get to see everyday. It pushes me to describe the person you reveal to only me.
I've taken on this challenge because you've taken me on. I'm a challenge, and you've handled me perfectly. You've held this mess together better than anyone else. The late nights, and early mornings haven't scared you away.
I'm impressed with you. You've changed the way I see myself and the world.
Writing about you comes easily. I never understood "Muses" until you. You inspire me. You inspire me by encouraging and believing in me.
I was told not to write about you, but I'd like to see someone try and stop me. It's an addiction. Releasing words bouncing around in my head gives me a rush. Finding the perfect way to portray some element of your person- within a different character relieves me. It strengthens my desire to know you, to find more inspiration.
So thank you. Thank you for being an irresistible subject. Thank you for being something to write about. Thank you for the thrill of doing something I was told not to. Thank you for the rebellion.

Spaces

Your spot was empty today.
I've started to dig out spaces for you to live. Your seat at the table. Your space on the couch. Your presence has changed me. It's shaken me up and rattled me down. I didn't realize this was what it would feel like. Making space for you is easy. Having time for you is my favorite. I feel your influence in the mundane things of every day. Picking up your favorites at the store. Washing one or two extra loads. Making a little more dinner so you have a lunch. 

I guess that's what makes the inevitable so tragic. When your gone, I have these spaces. Blocks of time left unused. Empty thoughts without a direction to fly. Without you there are holes.  

Like holes in my skin, they take time to heal. But longer. No bandaid can mend the space where you were. 

In the meantime I keep stretching. The holes get bigger and the scars left from previous holes get less noticeable. 

One day I'm sure I'll find the one. The one that will make spaces for me. The one that will have spaces so large, neither of us dare leave for the spaces can't be filled. Not by anyone else at least. I'm honest when I say I hope that it's you. I hope your spaces won't be filled by another. You're the best I've ever had. But then again, I said that last time didn't I? 

My Christian Background Is Actually Pushing Me Away From Marriage

I found this picture on Pinterest the other day. A friend of mine posted it to her humor board. When I saw it, I felt a lot of things. I mainly felt that pang of familiarity. I’ve seen this in real life. I’ve seen the wedding announcement go on top of the graduation announcement on the fridge.

Source for Picture found HERE

Every time I see this picture, I am struck with the same thought. “Why is the one with diploma frowning?” I’m 99.9% positive the picture started as a joke, but behind every just kidding there is an element of truth. If a picture is worth a thousand words, this one says: The diploma holding girl is disappointed in her accomplishments, when comparing them to those of her peers. Her graduation is not as exciting as the marriages or engagements of her friends. She had to finish school while her friends got married.

I was raised in a very conservative, Christian household. I had a good childhood. I’ve had supportive family and friends, but for the last 20-something years of my life I’ve been pushed to “grow up and get married.” I went to school, and was encouraged to do so, but mainly so I could have an education, “in case something happens to my husband and I need to provide for my family.”

As a teenager, I was excited by the thought of going to college and finding “Prince Charming” and getting married so I could be a mom and take care of my babies.

And then I actually went to college.

I went to a religious school, and from day one was pushed to date and socialize so I could get married. The first semester the idea was still fresh and I was ready for it. By my second semester, however, I began to change and my mind. I wanted to learn. I had mentors who pushed me to acknowledge my education for myself, and understand what a blessing it was to be in a place of learning. I decided that I should go to college for an education and not to find a husband.

 I was paying for this right?

I began looking towards other goals. I contemplated going to Africa to work on a research project. When I presented the plan to some people I was close to, in a very serious tone one turned to me and said “Well, you are going to need to think about what that means for your future. You won’t be finding a husband in Africa.”

Right.

Marriage and family was and still is important to me, but is it so important, that other exciting goals (such as graduation from college) should be dismissed or seen as less worthy? Hell no.

When I graduated, I had the same conversation countless times:

 “Are you dating anyone?”

“No.”

“Are you going on a mission?”

“No.”

“Oh, well, what is your plan sweetie?”

“I’m planning on working and traveling, because I’m done with school. And I’m young, when’s a better time?”

“Oh that’s nice” *Accompanied by a condescending pat on the knee*

Never mind the fact that I had graduated. I was 20, but unmarried. I was becoming a menace to society. My accomplishments wouldn’t mean anything “in the grand scheme of things.”

A close friend and I talk about this on a regular basis. He’s been pushed to go to school to find a career that will support a family, rather than pursue his passion. He’s a musician, and a talented one at that, but he feels the pressure to find something more, “family friendly.” He has no immediate desire to be married. He wants to travel. He wants to explore and discover the world, and is responsible enough to know that what he wants and what is expected of him are separate. He hasn’t gotten married because of the pressure and I respect him for that.

I’ve seen the separation develop slowly, but powerfully. I’ve seen myself draw away from the programs set up to “help me” find a spouse. Those things put in place to assist in getting me married off, have deterred me more than anything. I’ve watched as my goals aim in a different direction than most of my peers. It’s frustrating but I see it as even more of an accomplishment. I’m doing what many of my church friends haven’t or can’t do.

 If I was living the life my limited society has set up for me, I’d have gotten married quickly and had children even faster. I have a friend who is living that life. She loves it. She was made for that. It is exactly what she wants. I don’t want the same things for my life, but that doesn’t mean that what I want is any less important.

Graduation was one of the most significant days of my life. I was on top of the world. This was my big day. No, I wasn’t wearing white. But I was wearing a gown I had worked my entire life for.

Just Do You

I had a revelation today.
I consider it a good day when this sort of thing happens, and as it is 4:30 in the morning, I'd say this was turning up to be a great day indeed.
I am currently sitting in the airport, and as per usual, I was scanning my various social media platforms. As a good friend (virtual of course) tweeted the other day, my Facebook feed is "turning into one big wedding/baby/graduation announcement."
It's true.
But that's beside the point.  The point I am trying to make on this fine Thursday morning is that we, as individuals, apply importance to things in our lives, and the amount of importance we place on various "things" dictates how it falls in our list of priorities.
Shocking, I know. But hear me out.
What is happening in your life right now is the most important thing.
If you are a parent, the most important thing might (and probably should be) parenting.
But, If you are not a parent, you won't be placing as much importance on the matter.
In my life, as my marriage article so eloquently presents, I have been pushed to pursue certain goals and work towards special events. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be and been encouraged to be a mom. That is something I want, but it should't be the most important thing in my life. Not yet.
I don't have kids. But what I do have, is a career. I have goals within my career that should be getting as much nurturing and focus as a child would. It's something that is important to me. I have milestones in my career that I anticipate and look forward to in the same way a new parent anticipates their child's first steps. *
When I place importance on the goals in my own life, I am making that goal a priority. It's not to say the others are less important, but they have a different level on my priority list.
This idea that someone else might have a life outside of your focus, or value things that aren't important to you, seems simplistic at best. But, day after day, each of my social media platforms is flooded with claims that "being a mom is the best thing ever", or "getting married is the best thing to ever happen to me."
I'm sure these things are great, but just because they are the best for you, doesn't mean they are the best for everyone. OR even better, maybe they aren't great for everyone at that time. I'm happy to share your success, and I'm even happier when your accomplishments make you happy. I'm not happy when my success are deemed less worthy, or I'm made to feel bad about the life choices I'm making.
I've chosen a path in my life that focuses on different things than many of the friends I grew up. I'm focusing on my career and taking time to better myself, not because I don't want to get married. That's not it at all, I've just picked out a different hand of cards.
My advice, for all you looking for that (probably not many, I get it) is to just do you. Figure out what makes you tick and work with that. If you want to travel, do it. If you want to have babies, have them! If you want to try your hand at all of it, manage it the way you want. No one else has to live with your choices.
I'm not saying be reckless, but be adventurous. Don't let anyone else tell you how to live your life. Not even me, as oxymoronic as that sounds.
Even more important than living your own life, is supporting those who choose differently. No matter the choices, we all could use the support of a friend or loved one, even if we know they don't agree. It strengthens my desire to be better and push myself when I know there are people standing behind me cheering me on.

Until next time,

H.

*I am assuming it's the same, as noted, I don't have children, and so I don't know everything.

Jumping Off

So, it's been awhile.

Life has been crazy busy, as usual, but I am so happy with where I'm at.

My most recent adventure, has been quitting one of my part time jobs, and diving into the world of freelance. 

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a writer. I've started who knows how many novels, and have hundreds of free writes stashed all over. It occurred to me the other day, that it would be beneficial for me and my writing if I started putting it out there. I've had the dream to be published, and the realization hit me that I could actually be published. I'm living the grown-up life, and I have the capabilities to make my voice heard. 

I started submitting articles to one of my favorite websites, Thought Catalog. They publish articles that I enjoy reading, so why not try my hand at writing them? I have yet to hear back, and have anything actually published, but a girl can dream. 

I've recently landed a freelance job working for a man who needs articles written for various Australian business owners. As far as I can tell it is mainly SEO writing, meaning it's geared towards getting more hits on search engines, and it isn't everything I want to do, but hopefully it will start to pay some bills.

Its a scary adventure to head into, but I'm excited at the possibilities and I love having the freedom and the time to write. I have a few days off a week now, and I am able to spend my time writing and brainstorming. I've never had this much time to dedicate, and I'm starting to see it's important. 

Quitting one reliable source of income and supporting myself with just 20 hours of regular work was scary. I wasn't sure if I could do it, and it's still a little iffy. Knowing that people believe in my work, however, has been so beneficial. 

*insert gushing plug about my wonderful boyfriend and his unyielding support, even on my grumpy days.*

So anyway, my life is wonderful, and I'm sorry for not keeping every one as updated as I should. 

Until next time, 

H.