"Don't get comfortable,"
My dad took me to dinner the other day, and that was his
advice to me. As I've mentioned before, I have a tendency to get comfortable
even if I'm not actually comfortable. I have a hard time forcing myself to
change and grow, but that's exactly what being uncomfortable leads to.
It's a constant struggle because I have these dreams to
be a different, better version of myself, someone doing all these wonderful
things, but I don't do the work to get there.
Every once in a while I get into these moods where I feel
I can conquer the world. I usually make it a few days on a new endeavor before
my steam runs out and I settle back into my rut of daydreaming and planning.
Planning is the enemy of me living my life.
I'm a planner. I have a new idea on the daily, but little
to no motivation to push through and actually try it. I don't know that I could
count the number of half finished job applications, partially formed business
plans, or self improvement books.
K-man and I had a real life conversation one night, and he
expressed his concern on the topic. He's bothered by my lack of desire to
expand my horizons. (That sounds mean, but it wasn't I promise.) It was exactly
what I needed to hear. He knows I have so much more to offer the world, but I
hold myself back.
I do this for two reasons I think. The first: I'm afraid
of hurting myself.
What if it doesn't work? What if it hurts? What if I
spend all the time and money and I'm a complete failure?
The second reason: what if I hurt someone else? What if
they are hurt I quit? What if they are sad I move away? What if I disappoint
them?
The silliest thing about all of it, is that even if I am
a failure, or I lose a ton of money, I won't actually BE a failure. I'll have
learned. I'll know one more way to not go about living my life. I'll have one
more job to add to my resume, one more story for the grand children. The other
silly part is when I worry about other people, or what they think. Sure, there
are times I need to consider someone's feelings and understand their fears or
disappointment. Most of the time however, it's not valid. It may be a valid
reason to proceed with caution, but it most certainly is not a reason to stop
all progress.
At this point, I'm sure many of you are wondering what
this has to do with Tswift....or not, but I'll flatter myself enough to believe
you are.
Well, her new song Blank Space is actually what finally
prompted me to write it all down. A few lines in particular:
"So it's gonna be forever or its gonna go down in
flames. You can tell me when it's over if the high was worth the pain.....cause
we're young and we're reckless, we'll take this way too far. It will leave you
breathless or with a nasty scar."
Obviously because it's Tswift, she's talking about a boy
and all the adventures they pack with them, but I feel there's a plethora of
meanings here.
I'm 21 years old, and I already feel settled. I feel old.
I have the time AND the energy to try new things. I could be living anywhere
doing anything. And sure, to quote Taylor, it might leave me with some nasty
scars, but scars are better than regret. I would hate to look back on my life,
as wonderful as it is, and wonder what could have been. I've seen one too many
hallmark movies which illustrate that for me.
So thanks Taylor, you may have inspired another burst of
motivation. Who knows where this one might lead.
Ps. I don't want crap for liking Tswizzle. Her newest album may or may not have changed my life. And as she would say "haters gonna hate, hate, hate."
