Controversy Alert: Feminism Is Not Selfish

I saw a response to a video the other day that said something along the lines of “choosing not to have children is selfish, and feminism is a tool of the devil.” My heart sank, and I wondered why that person was equating childless couples with tools in the devil’s Craftsman box.

To be fair, this was from a very conservative person, whose religious views are dear to their heart, and are the basis for all values this person lives by. That’s fine. Live your life the way you choose. It’s your life and your choice. (See that? That’s feminism.)

My problem isn’t that this person is living their life like this, but is also choosing to dishonor the good name of feminism, something that isn’t inherently selfish.

Feminism is believing in, and working for a world where men and women are treated as equals. It’s a world where a woman’s choice to not have children, or have children, is scrutinized as much or as little as a man’s. (or not at all) It’s believing a place where our choices are valued and respected because we are human, not because we are women (or men.) It’s a place where having children is a personal choice, not a society driven expectation.

This response to feminism sprouted from a video entitled “having children is anti-feminist.” I get it. That title sounds like it’s going to judge you for your choice to have children. But hear me out.

It has been proven that women who have children make 5% less than her male counter-part for every child. If you are looking at this from a working-girl’s perspective, having children is anti-feminist, not inherently, but because we live in a society where a women’s role is determined for her. She is running the risk of being devalued at a corporate level because she chooses to have a baby. But she’s also being judged if she chooses a career, because that’s obviously a selfish thing to do.

We live in a world where newlyweds are questioned about when they are having children, as if it isn’t even an option to do otherwise. We live in a world where little girls are given baby dolls, and learn to be mothers, but need special support clubs and groups when they want to study engineering. We live in a world where it is assumed how a person will live their life, before they are given the option.

Now, to stray away from childbearing, because that is an incredibly personal choice, let’s talk about the fact that “feminism is a tool of the devil.”

Riiiiiiiight.

So, the devil wants us to live in a world where we are encouraging of both men and women, and learn to respect others’ choices because we are decent human beings? And it’s the devil who wants equal pay? That’s not the devil I learned about in Sunday school.

Now, to give credit where credit is due, I can see where the extreme, stereotypical (possibly fictional) FEMINIST we all think of could be a tool of the devil. Every conservative-raised teenager has heard about this feminist. You know, the one who doesn’t shave her armpits, and is a self-proclaimed “man-hater.” 

How many of those, aside from maybe the armpit hair, have you come across?

My count is a big fat ZERO.

All of the feminists I’ve come across have promoted love, acceptance, and a desire for change. They want to fight THE man, not all men. They want women to be educated, self-loving, and all in all good people who play nice with the men in the sandbox. In other words, they want a society where women’s choices and desires are valued as much as her male counterpart, and vice versa.

I’ve also spoken with a number of conservative, anti-feminists (you know the not selfish ones) who feel it’s their right to limit what their friends, neighbors and colleagues rights and abilities are, because it’s what they personally believe.  It’s their right to tell a woman she shouldn’t work “outside of the home,” because it would be selfish to do so and her unborn children need her doing other things. These women also see men as a way of being taken care of, and that's an entirely new beast. Men shouldn't be locked into anything either. 

See, I have a problem here. Not in the fact that some people want to be stay-at-home moms, because that’s totally cool. I have a really great one. My issue is that those same women judge me for having a career, and wanting to be well versed in skills outside of the home. My issue is that while my husband and I are working on our careers, and learning to establish ourselves, people are whispering about how selfish we are for not having kids yet. My issue is with people who question why a couple hasn’t had kids after 5+ years of being married, and wonder what else could be more important.

NEWS FLASH: We are all individuals, and have different needs and desires. Personally, because I believe in complete transparency, I want kids someday. I see that glowy image of picket fences and Sunday pot-roasts and it’s not gross to me. But it is gross to some people, and THAT’S OKAY. I have no right to judge them for wanting to work on their career for the rest of their lives, and be fulfilled in that way.

I’m learning to be very suspicious of people, and institutions, who tell me that “I don’t know how to be happy,” if I’m doing things differently than they are. I’m sorry, but that’s a load of bull shit. I don’t believe in a world where we would all be happy doing exactly the same thing. The fact that my husband loves math, and thinks it’s awesome, but can’t write worth beans (sorry honey) and I am the complete opposite of him, is proof of that. OH RIGHT, he’s a man, and I, a woman.

Okay, woman to woman. I have a sister who is a vet. She worked her ass off to get through vet school, and is really great at it. She’s happy doing that, but when I think about all the animal poop she has to deal with, I’m good with just my dog.

All this really boils down to is the fact that we all have lives to lead, and choices to make, and I don’t think it’s okay for one person to judge another for that choice. But, you know if that’s what you want to do, no judgement here, it’s your life. I’m just going to continue living selfish, devilish life. But I am going to shave my armpits.