Give Yourself Permission to Let Go

This book changed my life.

In the 4-5 hours it took me to purchase, read, and soak in all the wisdom that is in this book, my life changed.


To be frank, I did not want to buy this book. I've always been a little wary of things that seem like Pinterest fads, or are just that, a fad. It usually takes me a while but I inevitably jump on the bandwagon, and yesterday was no exception.


I was writing a post about minimalism, (which I have now scrapped) and how I want to reduce the anxiety in my life by cutting out all the stuff. I was quoting things I'd seen on Pinterest, and in other anti-clutter books I've read, and even tried quoting this book I'd never read. I decided I should be true to my work and actually figure out the source before using excerpts from it, so I moseyed on over to Amazon, and purchased the kindle edition for a whopping $9.99.


I rode the bus home yesterday, and couldn't put the book down. Right from the beginning I was sucked in. Marie begins by telling you that being slobbish, isn't your fault. (great start btw for people like me who are convinced being a slob is part of our DNA.)


"The general assumption, in Japan at least, is that tidying doesn't need to be taught but rather is picked up naturally.....Think back to your own childhood. I'm sure most of us have been scolded for not tidying up our rooms, but how many of our parents consciously taught us how to tidy?....When it comes to tidying, we are all self-taught."


My parents definitely did their best to teach cleaning techniques and what a clean room should look like. Don't get me wrong. I know how to clean a bathroom, and can probably do it better than some, but I don't keep things tidy. My clothes are always strewn about, and I have a hard time talking myself into doing dishes after dinner. Or at least, I did.

After reading this book I feel different.

Last night I began my magic tidying process, with what I knew would be the hardest.

My books.

(I should confess, I did things out of order, because you are supposed to start with clothes, but I wanted to do that part with Kman, so I jumped a category.)

The first step to tidying up is gathering everything in that category. So off I went to gather all the books in our entire apartment, and pile them in stacks on the floor. Then, I sat among all of them, picked up each book and asked aloud "Does this bring me joy."

I was surprised to find, most of the books were easy answers. There were some that had answers like, "you could give me joy, but I didn't read you, so no." and there were others that were more like "you were a great read, but you didn't bring me joy."

By the end of this process, I had a stack of 12 books in the keep pile, and at least 80 in the donate pile.

I started to cry, as I thought about all the books leaving, and watched as what I thought was my dream of having my own library, slip through my fingers.

How could it be that something I've defined myself by for so long doesn't actually bring me joy? I've bragged, multiple times, about how I have more boxes of books than I do of clothes. Books are my thing.

I realized last night that having a huge bookshelf full books won't always bring you joy, no matter how much you love reading. Many of the books in the donate pile were books that I was gifted, or picked up intending to read, but never did. Some were classics that I felt pressure to read, but never held my interest.

All the books in the keep pile were books I've read multiple times. I have two Shakespeare plays, a trilogy I've read every summer since 8th grade, Matilda (because it's my favorite story ever,) and a few writing books I use regularly. The pages are worn in, and the spines cracked. I have specific memories tied up in these books, and hope that one day I can share them with my children. They bring me joy, because I can return to them more than once and be filled with as much pleasure as the first time I read them.

As I stared down at the large pile of books to be donated a simple phrase floated through my mind.

"Give yourself permission to let go."

There is freedom in letting go, and finding new ways to define your life.

One of the things Kondo talks about, in reference to graduates of her program, is that they finally have room to breathe and figure out what they actually want in life. Some lost weight they'd been holding on to, other's had a career change. By letting go, and cleaning out their homes, they were able to clear their minds and bodies. Kondo credits this to the fact you don't have so much distracting you anymore.

For me, letting go of my books, is giving myself permission to change. While I will continue to have a love for reading, I don't have to be defined by the books sitting on my shelf. In a more practical application, I won't have to worry, or stress about packing up all my books and moving them across the country. I can take a bag of my favorites, and begin my life with a freshness, and sense of joy. It's liberation at it's best.

I'm adopting the question "Does this bring me joy," into all aspects of my life; I can clear out more than just my closets. There is no reason to hold on to people, places, things, emotions or ideas that no longer bring you joy. You don't have time for that. This life is precious and short, fill it with things that bring you joy and just let go of all the rest.


-H.

To the Woman Who Wrote About Me In Her Google Review

Hi there. We met once. You remember me as the barefoot crazy dog lady. (You know the one who wasn't wearing shoes and "walking her dog, without a leash"....)

I would like to first apologize for the way we met. It wasn't pleasant for a number of reasons. Regardless, I think you and I walked away from that experience with two different perceptions....

Now, I'm going to assume that you do not own dogs, nor have you ever had extended contact with them. Before anyone gets after me for making assumptions, I'll explain why I think this.

1. You screamed at the sight of a puppy.
My dog was about 4 months old when you met her. She weighed about ten pounds,and was (and still is most of the time) a rambunctious little peanut who translates screaming as "hey let's play!"
She also LOOOOOOVES little kids. This is a great thing for dogs, and most of the time for kids. She doesn't bite, and while she was still learning to work on her manners when you met, doesn't mean to jump on or trample anyone. In fact, she is great friends with the 6 year old neighbor. She's even learned to lie down when the girl comes over to visit.

2. You accused me of ruining your daughter's love for puppies.
I get it. Being chased by a fur-ball is terrifying for a toddler. ESPECIALLY when that toddler hasn't been around animals. But PLEASE for the love of everything that is holy, do not tell me that I am the reason your daughter won't like dogs. My dog didn't bite, jump on, or growl at your daughter. She approached your daughter (rather excitedly *I know those wiggly tails are really scary*) and your daughter tripped after your husband chased her away from the dog. My dog didn't start chasing her until the grown adult did.

3. You assumed that I was walking the 4 month old puppy without a leash.
I know there are irresponsible dog owners out there, and I think they are mostly to blame for this.
My dog escaped through the back door, and I was in the process of catching her when she saw your family, and heard you scream at her. She gets excited, and freedom from the kitchen is her only goal when she's at home.

To be fair, if you haven't been around animals, you may not understand where I'm at. So, imagine for a moment, your daughter was playing at the park. You were watching her, but let's be honest, kids will be kids. She sees one of her favorite toys is open and starts running towards it. Now imagine your three year old is wriggly and fast, doesn't understand a word you say, and sees you chasing her as a game....are you getting where I'm coming from? She takes off, and you honestly have NO control over what she is about to do. She's headed for the toy, when she sees another little kid with some candy. She veers out of your reach just as you are about to grab her, and lunges towards the kid with the bag of sweets. She wants to say hi, and possible get some of the candy from him....his mom takes off after him, and he trips when he realizes his mom is freaking out over this girl coming up to him. She then proceeds to ignore your apology and accuse you of ruining her son's love of the park, before storming off in a rage.
It seems a little far fetched, doesn't it? Thinking that one experience would ruin a child for the rest of their life?
Well that's kind of how that one day in the parking lot went. Granted, you have a human child, and I have a puppy, but the idea is the same. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that this one experience doesn't have to ruin your daughter forever. Take her to see other dogs, and let them lick her hands, and nuzzle her. Let them come up to her and greet her the way puppies do, and please try to refrain from screeching. The puppies aren't trying to hurt anyone, but they can pick up on stress in any given situation. They will react in the way you allow them to. Let your daughter experience dogs in a safe environment, and I promise my puppy won't have ruined her forever.
And I guess if she has ruined her, you really should be thanking me. I just saved you hours of her begging you for a dog, and hundreds of dollars you would end up spending on said dog. You're Welcome.

Have a blessed day,

The barefoot (and bra-less) dog lady


p.s. Phenix says she's sorry.

5 Things I Wish All My Single (and not so single) Girl Friends Knew

This post was inspired by a number of conversations I've had with friends recently about relationships. Even if you aren't in a relationship, give it a read. You might find something useful. Or not, that's okay too.

1. Men are not in any way the end all, be all in life.
This is probably the biggest point I wish to drive home. Yes, men are great, and yes we need them to procreate and carry on through our lives, BUT (and this is a really BIG BUT) what a man thinks of you does not determine your self worth. What a man thinks of you does not determine your talents, or your confidence. What a man thinks of you shouldn't determine anything but what he thinks of you. His opinions and his needs should never come before yours. When you are looking for someone to date, and probably marry, there are going to be men who say no (for whatever reason, I don't get it, you're fabulous.) Just because he says no, does not mean you aren't worth it. I used an analogy with my friend once, that dating is like shopping for anew outfit. There are going to be pieces of clothing that look really really great on the rack, but as soon as you try it on you realize it just isn't for you. That doesn't mean the shirt you tried on is a crappy shirt. It just means it isn't your style. Take it off, and try again. Your a great shirt. Well made, and flattering in the right circumstances. You won't fit everyone though, and that's okay. When you fit, you will really fit and it will be awesome.

2. You are better than a dead-end relationship. 
Relationships are hard. Being in a relationship with an expiration date, or an inevitable end is even harder. Being in a relationship with someone who has completely opposite goals, or visions for the relationship is a waste of your time. If you both aren't on the same page about the big issues (marriage, family, religion, lifestyle, etc.) then close the book. It's not fair to either party to try and change the other. Now I'm not saying you can't come from different backgrounds or even believe different things. Kman and I are two totally different religions. BUT we've talked through this issue and made it about us, and figured out the vision we see for our future in that department. If you want to get married someday, don't waste your time on someone who doesn't even see marriage as a possibility. Relationships are hard enough with similar views and goals. Don't complicate things by trying to force something with someone who isn't going to help you reach your goals, and vice versa.

3. You deserve someone who respects you.
This goes both ways. Respect is a two way street. I'm not saying find someone who puts up with every ounce of BS you dish out. Find someone who can say "no," to you without being mean. Find someone you can disagree with, without fighting dirty. Find someone who, even though they hate teeny-bopper pop music, respects your choice to listen to One Direction all day long. Find someone who, even on the days they find it hard to love you, will respect you and treat you with dignity. Everyone has bad days, but respect should be a mutual trait on both sides no matter what.

4. Love is not always butterflies and old fashioned swooning.
I wished I would have known this when I first started to fall in love. I wish I knew that the intoxicating heady excitement that you wake up with doesn't last forever. The butterflies stop about the time you learn it's okay to fart in front of the other person....maybe the two are related, I don't know. What I do know is that even though Kman is my best friend and I love him more than just about anything, I don't constantly flutter and swoon every time he talks to me. Yes, I still get excited when we have date night, and I still get fluttery when we kiss, but I've learned that loving someone is more than that. It's being kind to them even when they make you really mad, and it's being willing to do nice things for them even when you feel horrible, and had a bad day. Love is putting up with all of their bad habits, as well as celebrating their talents and abilities.

5. You have permission to be awesome on your own. 
This one relates to the first point, but I feel it has enough merit to stand on it's own. Being in a relationship rocks, I won't deny that. But, being single is cool too. You get to do whatever you want, without considering another person's plans. You can take yourself on dates. True story...I used to take myself out on dates. It was awesome. I would go to the bookstore, or to grab something to eat, and I could put my headphones in and do something just for me. It was great to take time for myself. I recommend it, even after you're in a relationship.
I think there is a societal theme that getting married means you "arrived" and a certain destination. It's a mile marker in your life, and while it is a significant event, I don't think it should overshadow other events in your life. Great things can happen to you in your life, with or without a significant other. You can do amazing things without a boyfriend or husband. Don't let not having someone else stop you from being everything you can be. You want someone who can keep up with you anyway.

The Pressure of Being an "Intellectual"

I was chatting with a friend today, and we began discussing the feelings we have when we apply the things we learned in school to our real lives. On the one hand there is a level of satisfaction, knowing that you have the information tucked away for when you really need it, but on the other hand there is a distinct feeling of inadequacy and knowing that you don't actually know everything people think you do.
I graduated with a humanities degree, and while I did minor in a more marketable skill, my actual degree is fairly artsy-fartsy. I studied a lot of literature, and wrote a ton of papers. I feel like I learned a lot, but I also feel a continued pressure to be more "intellectual," and understand things like Nietzsche.
In high school I would babysit for a woman who was, and still is, one of the most brilliant women I've ever met. She was highly educated, and home schooled her children. She was well spoken, and could deliver a fascinating lecture on just about any topic. When I went off to college, I set a goal to become like her. I wanted to carry myself with the educational confidence she had, and I wanted to be well-read, like she was. (and I'm sure still is)
Having graduated a few years ago, and read my fair share of books (and then some.) I still don't feel the way I thought I would. I don't feel like I could lecture on any topic, nor do I feel like I could even discuss a piece of classic literature in a way that would be seen as "smart." I don't love dissecting poetry for alternative meaning.
I like to read, and I like to write. I enjoy a good story, and I like to create. I even like diagramming sentences, but ask me to read Plato, and then regurgitate some text book description, and I'll probably fail. (Or I won't enjoy the effort it takes to do it.)
I have this fantasy in my head of what I think my life should look like. It's a series of handwritten, partially finished manuscripts scattered on a cafe table, and a cup of hot tea sitting on a thick philosophy book. I have dreams of writing a life altering modern piece of literature. I want to write lyrical prose, and be praised in the most elite literary journals.
The problem with this fantasy, is just that. It's fantasy. It's not realistic. I don't enjoy writing lyrical prose, and while I would love to write a deep and moving piece of literature, I'll probably publish some YA vampire chick lit instead.
While I'm not where I thought I would be, I haven't yet given up on my dreams to learn as much as I can, and read as many books as I can. While I may not be reading what a liberal arts major should be reading, I read what I love. I'm still learning and I'm still working out my dreams.
I guess what I'm trying to say is for all of you who think I know everything there is to know about the English language, or literature (as I'm sure there are a plethora of you.) I don't. I know what I know, and I would love to share with you what I know. I'm never going to be that kid in class who has an answer for every question the professor asks. I won't ace every test, or argue every point ( especially now that I'm done with school...) but that's okay. Nobody liked that kid anyway. (I'm looking at you Bryce.)

Until next time,

H.

Ps. I do write a book review blog and if you'd like to check it out, please visit this link. I promise to write what I think I know about the books I read.

How To Plan a Painless Wedding

I gave myself 2 months to plan this wedding, and it's just enough time.

I mean sure, if I was the type of girl who wanted every last detail planned, I would need more time, but I've never wanted a fairy tale wedding. I've never wanted the stereotypical puffy fluff that people imagine with weddings. I've cut out a number of "traditional" wedding items, and I am 100% okay with it.  When I began planning I felt I should limit the number of details I have, so that I can focus on making the ones I do choose as lovely as possible.
My two criteria for the perfect wedding have always been 1. no cultural hall receptions, and 2. good food.
The first criteria, nixing the church gym reception, automatically added to the overall cost. The one thing church gym weddings have going for them is their price tag. It's been hard to narrow down a place that will keep me withing budget, but we're working on it. The second was easy: cater it myself. Or rather, help my mom cater it.
Wedding caterers are either too expensive to even consider paying for myself, or sub-par quality. I've never been a fan of catered food, because I feel like it all begins to taste the same. I've planned a personal menu that will be both delicious and frugal.
I've saved myself quite a few dollars, and many a headache for following outline below.

1. Decide what you absolutely can't live with out.
For me it was a venue and great food. For you it might be the dream dress, and a great photographer. Or maybe it's a gourmet cake. I don't know your life. What I do know is that you absolutely have to prioritize. You have to pick the few things you've always imagined on your big day, and hold on to those few things. Make those the things you will not settle for.
Unless you've been saving for this day your entire life, or you have a family who is willing to foot the bill, chances are you have real life costs that will only double when you have a new spouse and inhibit you from using all your money on this one day.

2. Cut the fat.
After you have those few things picked out, figure out what can go. For me, it was a huge ceremony, traditional flowers, cake, and a dj/band.
I don't really care about any of those things, and to be honest the only hard one, was limiting the ceremony. While I would love to share this special day with everyone I've ever met, I can't. I am choosing to focus my time and my funds on other things. I'm still planning an open house/reception for friends and family, but trust me when I say it ain't gonna be fancy. I'll resuse the decorations from the wedding luncheon, and tap into my resource of talented friends and family to pull it all together.

3. Use your resources
I have quite a few really talented friends and family. I'm designing my own invitations, my mom is helping with all aspects, my step-mom and best friend are fantastic photographers, and I have a future mom in law who makes great pie (no cake, remember?) I will admit I'm lucky, and maybe you don't have these exact talents at your disposal, but if you ask around, most people are happy to lend a hand. Another resource I have is a fiance who knows how to make a decision. He has ideas too, and when I ask him about certain details, I can always count on an honest answer. As someone who suffers from being far too indecisive, he is one of my greatest assets.

4. Shop-around
I can't stress how important this one is. Most of the time anything tied to a wedding will be 20% more expensive than if you were to buy it for another purpose. This is one of the reasons I'm cutting out traditional flowers. I've been shopping for decorations, and I've found that the stores that have actual wedding sections mark up the prices, when compared to other stores. Just this week I went to find jars for candles, and while one store had some in the wedding section, I went to a different store and found almost identical jars for 2 dollars cheaper. Now, I get it, 2 dollars isn't that much, but it adds up. Buy in bulk if you can, and look at every store you can think of before settling on a price.
Also, on the topic of venues: I've looked at probably 25 different places to hold a reception. It hasn't been easy, but I think I've finally (fingers crossed) found a place for less than $200 that will be the perfect size for my needs.

5. Be flexible
I would say I've been a relatively easy bride-to-be. I've let go of certain ideas, and gone for others when it was either cheaper or less work. I've been stubborn about my two priorities, but everything else has been relatively easy to let go of or change up. Being flexible might even help you open up to better ideas. K-man had a great idea about the guestbook, and it will work great for our theme, as well as be something we can take into our marriage.

In short, the painless wedding planning boils down to making the day about you as a couple, and not the napkin rings, or place holders. Figure out what's important and just let go of the rest.

Eating Frogs

I know I've written about it before, but in case y'all have forgotten, I am a MAJOR procrastinator. I put off the inevitable for as long as possible, and it really cuts into my productivity. It's a bad habit I've had for a long time and I've been working on being better about it for some time.
Last Monday I had an especially productive day. I worked all morning and afternoon to clean, organize, and set up my life for the week that was coming. I even bathed my dog and did laundry...I was incredibly impressed with myself.
Today I got out of bed late, and I've wasted most of the morning watching Netflix and doing miscellaneous tasks that aren't imperative.
I was thinking, as I finished my last episode, what makes the difference? Last week I was productive, and it really set the tone for the rest of the week. Today I feel like sludge. I'm moving slowly, and before I sat down to write this I found myself wandering from room to room without direction.
Then it hit me. Last week I got up and before I did anything else, I unloaded the dishwasher, and then tidied up the kitchen. Then I moved on to laundry, and the bathroom, and it went on from there.
This morning, I woke up, and moved to the couch before doing anything. I then made my morning juice (without cleaning up my mess... *ugh*) and turned on my computer for "just one episode."
I started slow, and I'm still moving slow.
Mark Twain is credited for saying "If it's your job to eat a live frog, it's best to do it in the morning, and if it's your job to eat two, it's best to eat the biggest one first."
Now, I don't know about you, but last week, I did just that. I ate the dang frog. Then, nothing else seemed to be too bad. I made a list and tackled every item on it. This morning, I most definitely did not eat the frog, and I'm paying for it now, as it is after noon and I haven't done anything worthwhile.
I have a list now, of things I need to get done, and while I am late getting started, I am challenging myself to finish every item.
This is my challenge for you (and me) to swallow the frog every morning and *jump start* the day.

Until next time,

H.

When Things Aren't Adding Up Start Subtracting

In the past few months I have felt overwhelmed and full of anxiety, and haven't been able to figure out why. Life was floating along as usual, but something felt off.
I read a book called Clutter's Last Stand, and it's messages helped me pinpoint a few of the things in my life that I needed to clean out.
One of those things was my digital life. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and even just my iPhone alone were all "junk" items that I realized I don't need. I realized that I was spending more time on those than any other aspect of my life, and it was beginning to hurt relationships, and cause me stress. They were tools that I was overusing, causing them to become more stressful than helpful.
In the clutter book, it talks about junk being anything that adds stress, and no value to your life. After reading it I came to the hard realization that my phone was a piece of junk that I was relying on. It was adding more stress than value. I felt like I always had to have it on me, and I've been spending time and money cleaning it, keeping it safe, and worrying when I couldn't find it. I've spent more money than should ever be spent on a thing, to maintain my texting, and data plan. It makes me sick to think about all the money I could have been saving but instead was being used to support a habit I don't need.
One of the biggest reasons (as embarrassed as I am to admit) for keeping my smartphone was a status symbol. Having an iPhone (in my mind at least) made it look like I had my life together. My friends have them, and I had one, and everything was right in the world. Except it wasn't. I now realize just how stupid I was for thinking that having an iPhone meant something in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't. I would much rather have real human relationships and peace of mind.
Today I transitioned back to a basic phone. I've been without my iPhone for a little less than two hours and it's already one of the best decisions I've made for myself in some time. I don't feel the need to check my phone, every five minutes, and I haven't felt the nagging in the back of my mind to make sure my Instagram picture fits with my over all aesthetic. (I know right?)
I will still keep my online accounts, to keep up with loved ones, but I no longer feel the need to check them every second of every day.
I would recommend Clutter's Last Stand to anyone who knows they have pack rat tendencies, or anything in their life that needs to be dejunked. My closets are cleaned out, and now my digital life is cleaned up. As soon as I made the decision to get rid of the things that were weighing me down, I felt lighter and less stressed.
Now, I didn't write this to condemn anyone who has a smartphone. I don't think that at all. I think a lot of people can use them responsibly and it's not an issue. This was a personal decision for me, to make my life easier.
While I may not be recommending this specific course for everyone, I would recommend that you look at your life and figure out if you are living with any kind of junk (be it mental, emotional, or physical) and get rid of it. I promise you will feel better.