Shake It Off

I want you to watch this video.

A few months ago I had a few articles published on a third party website. I worked hard on the articles, and was thrilled when they were published. (It's a big feeling to have a byline out in the world, especially as a writer.) Of course, with a published piece,  comes the commentary. Most of the commentary I could handle. There were rebuttals to my thoughts, as well as compliments. I was so excited my work was touching lives. (in all reality, one of the pieces was complete satire, but still, I was reaching people.) Then came the nasty comments. I've never really been a victim of cyberbullying, so it's never really seemed real. This was different. People I'd never met, who have no idea who I am, were creating an image of me they saw as accurate.

"Sad to see another woman succumb to the lies of feminism."

"For a "20-something writer" (c'mon, could you be anymore cliche?) you have far too many grammatical and spelling mistakes for such a short piece. Also, perhaps it isn't your Christian background pushing you away from marriage, but your pretentious attitude towards even the most minuscule of things such as "people on Facebook"; that, or maybe it's your looks that aren't helping you secure a groom."

"You aren't going to "find yourself". You aren't going to have "a rewarding adventure". All you're going to do is look back on your decision and regret not having kids earlier."

"What kind of perverted embodiment of self-righteousness is the expectation that people would only post and share what YOU want to hear?"

"To be "friends" with someone who you so obviously revile, makes you dishonest. Why are you even friends with them.? Odds are that they wish you would get lost anyway. Do them a favor. Quit hanging around to be nosy and delete yourself."

"I feel sorry she feels like a third wheel around happy, loving couples. She should spend some time journaling about her attitude towards these things rather than criticize others, maybe that will help her find the joy she needs to find her love."

"And to describe yourself as a "20-something writer" and then write a rant about stereotypical annoying Facebook statuses makes you look like you couldn't think of anything interesting, intelligent, or at least something mildly funny to write about.
I get that this "article" was supposed to be light and humorous, but it just ended up making the author look like an unintelligent condescending idiot."

Do people really think this is okay? I tend to see the best in people, and have a hard time imagining someone saying these types of things to my face, but how is the computer a safeguard. Words are words. It breaks my heart to think there are individuals out there, so set on being mean. What do they gain?

Some of the comments weren't outright mean, but very assuming. The ironic thing about each of these articles is that I was, and still am, in a loving committed relationship. Most of the comments pointed to the writers assuming I was alone and bitter. Quite the opposite.

Remember computers aren't armor. When you say something online, that person still feels like they got punched in the gut, Be kind. In all communication we should seek to be uplifting, and truthful, but virtuous. If you aren't going to say something helpful, don't share.

In the grand scheme of things, the commentary I received wasn't too scathing. No one told me to kill myself. It's incredible to me, that not being told to kill myself is a good day. No one should feel that way. No one has the right to tell you to go die. It's unkind and completely strips all value from the human life before you. It's not always easy to shake it off. Words can be weapons too.

Until next time,

H.

Confessions Of An Anti-shopaholic

I've never been a shopper. Even as a teenager, I would rarely get the urge to spend the day at the mall shopping for clothes. I wanted to look like everyone else, but had little motivation to do the work to get me there. This attitude has carried into my adult life, though now I have a lack of time and money to use as a crutch. 

Recently, however, I've noticed that though I have plenty of clothes, I am lacking in quality and versatility. I have few basic pieces to help me craft cute, age appropriate outfits. 

Real life story: I had a job interview this

summer and only two possible outfits. Neither was very appropriate but it was more so than the rest of my collection. I had to wear tights and boots with a skirt in the middle of July. I was fine inside, but the interviews ended up being outside and I was dying. I vowed then to get a workable interview outfit, but have yet to do so. 

I've been following Chelsea Fagan on Instagram, who has adopted a "neutral life" attitude in her closet. She wears nothing but neutral colors. For her it says sophistication and versatility. While I think having a strictly neutral palette is rather boring, I think her outlook and way of changing her wardrobe is to be admired. 

I need to take my wardrobe to the next level. I need to create a goal, and find an inspiration closet. I need to stop picking up mismatched cheaply made pieces, and start to create an adult wardrobe for my adult life. 

It will be a slow process, as I still have the whole too little time and too little funds issue, but I'm excited to get started on this. It will be especially exciting as I have been getting back into the groove of working out, and my body is changing in all the best ways. I'm looking forward to finding pieces which flatter my figure and my wallet.

Stay tuned! 

H. 

Have the Most Productive Day

With the hours I have at work, I get Monday's off. I chose this for myself for two reasons. 1. I hate the feeling I get on Sunday night, that the inevitable Monday is closing in, and 2. I was hoping to be more productive on Monday, vs. Friday. (I still have a partial day on Fridays, so you know it's a win-win)

I have LOVED being able to avoid the impending Monday feeling, but the productivity aspect was thrown to the wind when I realized I could do everything I wanted to. I usually choose doing a whole lotta notta. 

Today was a wonderful exception to that. 

I woke up this morning about 9 am (still enough wonderful time to sleep in), looked around at my clean room (Which I cleaned on Saturday ...go me!) and tried to figure out what I was going to do with myself all day. My apartment has recently suffered a loss of internet, so netflix, and random internet surfing was out of the question. At first I thought this was a bummer, but then I realized I finally had the motivation to get out and moving.  

Rather than lingering in bed and wasting the day, I took a shower, and got dressed in real clothes, and did my hair. Then, I made myself breakfast, and grabbed my backpack. Armed with a lunch, and supplies to keep me busy all day, I left for the library. 

All day I've been writing researching for various books I'm writing. It's amazing to me how much writing I can accomplish when I force myself to sit down, and just do it. I wrote FOUR CHAPTERS of a book I've been procrastinating, and outlined another book. Sure, the writing is probably terrible, and I will need to revise like crazy, but I got it out, and I am so impressed with myself right now. I can't remember the last time I had a day like this, and it isn't over. I still have three hours at the library, and then gym time. Yay for productivity! 

Until Next time, 

H. 

*Disclaimer: This post was written in a flash of procrastination, but you know I still owned today, so I'll get over it. 

Incentive

This whole cycle of working out, vs not working out is tiring. It's a pain to figure out when to start up again, and it's a pain to get back into the habit of working on myself. Today, on my bus ride into work, I began thinking of all the ways I shortcut myself and end up losing....or in this case gaining in all the wrong ways.

1. Eating out.
This is my biggest road block. It's so much easier than making the food myself, and more often than not it tastes really good too. There are two problems I see with this. First, eating out packs on the calories. There is always WAY more salt, oil, and sugar...along with a plethora of other unrecognizable substances....stuffed into the food at restaurants. Second, the money lost on a meal out. Kman and I grabbed Pad Thai while out and about, $14 dollars for us to share a plate of Pad Thai and some spring rolls. $14 for a SHARED meal...imagine if we had been hungrier and needed more food. It's a problem I have, and I know it.

2. Being a Night Owl.
My average bedtime is 11:30 or so. I don't have to be into work until 9, so it's usually not an issue....unless I want to work out before I go. Dragging my lazy butt out of bed at 6 in the morning, after being up until almost midnight is near impossible. If I would just go to bed an hour or two earlier, I would have time to make it to the gym before I catch my bus.

3. Procrastination
"The gym will be there after work, I'll go then."
Yeah right. The gym will be there. But I won't be. I'll get off work, and realize it's dark, so I'll want to go home and curl up with a cup of tea and Netflix instead of getting dressed in my gym clothes and making the 5 minute walk to the gym. Then, I rationalize and tel myself that I will get up in the morning...but then I don't get to sleep until midnight, and so ensues the vicious cycle of procrastination.

4. Netflix, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter Cookie Jam, and All Other Means of Distraction
(It's a long list)
If I could count the number of Saturdays high-jacked by any or all of these distractions, I would get even more depressed. I waste my time on so many of these things, it's ridiculous. When i wake up, one of the fist things I do is check Facebook. Why? Well, something must have happened in the 7 hours I was asleep, right? No. I'm just a lazy bum. If I were to jump start my day and get out of bed, and right into my gym clothes, the rest of my day would probably be 10x more productive. But, I let myself get distracted and then I don't get anything done. It's a problem.

So there is my list. I know there are more out there, but I either can't remember them, or I am ashamed to admit them right now. After I brainstormed this list, I decided the helpful next step would be to find ways around these roadblocks I have. So, I found incentive. Other than the real, and very rewarding incentive of actually being healthy, I needed something else (Yeah, I'm selfish too.) So here it is:

BOOKS.

Every month I will keep a running tally of points. I'll be able to earn points for working out, eating at home rather than out, and getting to bed on time. At the end of the month, if I have enough tally's I will have earned an afternoon in a bookstore. I can buy something based on the number of points I have. I plan on using all of the money I will be saving from eating out, so it's a win-win.

On Taylor Swift and Things

"Don't get comfortable,"

My dad took me to dinner the other day, and that was his advice to me. As I've mentioned before, I have a tendency to get comfortable even if I'm not actually comfortable. I have a hard time forcing myself to change and grow, but that's exactly what being uncomfortable leads to.

It's a constant struggle because I have these dreams to be a different, better version of myself, someone doing all these wonderful things, but I don't do the work to get there.

Every once in a while I get into these moods where I feel I can conquer the world. I usually make it a few days on a new endeavor before my steam runs out and I settle back into my rut of daydreaming and planning.

Planning is the enemy of me living my life.

I'm a planner. I have a new idea on the daily, but little to no motivation to push through and actually try it. I don't know that I could count the number of half finished job applications, partially formed business plans, or self improvement books. 

K-man and I had a real life conversation one night, and he expressed his concern on the topic. He's bothered by my lack of desire to expand my horizons. (That sounds mean, but it wasn't I promise.) It was exactly what I needed to hear. He knows I have so much more to offer the world, but I hold myself back.

I do this for two reasons I think. The first: I'm afraid of hurting myself.

What if it doesn't work? What if it hurts? What if I spend all the time and money and I'm a complete failure?

The second reason: what if I hurt someone else? What if they are hurt I quit? What if they are sad I move away? What if I disappoint them?

The silliest thing about all of it, is that even if I am a failure, or I lose a ton of money, I won't actually BE a failure. I'll have learned. I'll know one more way to not go about living my life. I'll have one more job to add to my resume, one more story for the grand children. The other silly part is when I worry about other people, or what they think. Sure, there are times I need to consider someone's feelings and understand their fears or disappointment. Most of the time however, it's not valid. It may be a valid reason to proceed with caution, but it most certainly is not a reason to stop all progress.

At this point, I'm sure many of you are wondering what this has to do with Tswift....or not, but I'll flatter myself enough to believe you are.

Well, her new song Blank Space is actually what finally prompted me to write it all down. A few lines in particular:

"So it's gonna be forever or its gonna go down in flames. You can tell me when it's over if the high was worth the pain.....cause we're young and we're reckless, we'll take this way too far. It will leave you breathless or with a nasty scar."

Obviously because it's Tswift, she's talking about a boy and all the adventures they pack with them, but I feel there's a plethora of meanings here.

I'm 21 years old, and I already feel settled. I feel old. I have the time AND the energy to try new things. I could be living anywhere doing anything. And sure, to quote Taylor, it might leave me with some nasty scars, but scars are better than regret. I would hate to look back on my life, as wonderful as it is, and wonder what could have been. I've seen one too many hallmark movies which illustrate that for me.

So thanks Taylor, you may have inspired another burst of motivation. Who knows where this one might lead.

Ps. I don't want crap for liking Tswizzle. Her newest album may or may not have changed my life. And as she would say "haters gonna hate, hate, hate."

5 Thing I Wish Everyone Knew About Me

1. Sometimes your well-meant comments about my life hurt my feelings.
I would consider myself a positive person. I lead a happy life, and I don't let a lot of things get to me. Every once in a while, however, someone who has the best intentions says something which they mean in the best of ways, and it hits me where it hurts. These kinds of things travel, and being the people pleaser that I am, when I hear someone is disappointed in me, it's a tough blow to take.

2. Falling for the "wrong" person is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
It's time to address the elephant in the room. Kman is not a member of the same church I am. For a lot of people that was, and still is, a tough pill to swallow. Having said that, our relationship is ours. We work through our troubles just like anyone else, and we're gonna be okay. He's one of my closest and dearest friends and I fall for him over and over again every single day. I would like to say I appreciate all the unsolicited advice I've gotten, but I don't. In fact, it really bothers me. I don't know if other people in different kinds of relationships get it too, but I can tell you that from my perspective it doesn't come across well. I still believe in a personal life, despite this incredibly open and "social" world. If I ask, let me have it. If not, please don't.

3. I'm not the same person I was in high school. I for one, am really glad this is true. Going to college, and then moving out into the big wide world helped me grow into the person I am today. In my eyes, that person is much more accepting and understanding than the girl in high school. I want different things and I live my life differently than I did then. In someways I'm softer and more open. In others, I have stronger opinions. I grew up. It happens.

4. I'm extremely proned to doing things because I'm comfortable, not because it's the best option.
Habits are easier to keep than to break. I don't like I contention so I'd rather stay at a job that doesn't fill all my needs than go for an awesome opportunity that will benefit me later. I get stuck a lot. It takes a little push from that thing called life for me to get going, but I have to do it on my own. I'm also extremely stubborn, and won't let anyone else change it for me.

5. I apologize way too much, but not in the right ways.
This one is a work in progress, but I tend to apologize for things even when it's not my fault. I'm trying to stop this, because I've found that "sorry" is coming more as a reflex than as an actual apology when it is my fault. I want my word to mean something, and my apology to be more than a tagline.

That Thing Everyone Talks About

Hi, My name is Hannah and I've been gluten free for 5 days.
It seems to me that "gluten free" has been a fad in our society for the past year or so. Before the wave of anti-grains, I knew one or two people who were either compelled for health reasons, or chose to give up gluten, and it's family of delicious treats. Now, every other person I meet is gluten free. There are a plethora of recipes on Pinterest for gluten free substitutions, and the grocery store has all the alternatives stocked and ready to go.
I decided to go gluten free as an experiment. I have struggled with anxiety for some time now, and giving up gluten was the final step (before pharmaceuticals) to try and combat it. Believe me, I've tried everything from melatonin before bed, to running daily. Recently, I noticed my moodiness and anxious behavior was effecting my relationship with K-man. I was snapping at him for little to no reason, and was having a hard time getting motivated for any of our fun activities.
Finally, I woke up one morning, and decided I would try going gluten free. I had heard stories of this helping other people with similar issues so I thought "What's the hurt in trying for a month?"
Nothing. There is no hurt at all. Within a day, I discovered the benefits. I woke up in a better state of mind, and had an easier time falling asleep. My day isn't over at 5 when I get off work. I feel motivated to continue my day, and get more accomplished. I am much more pleasant around everyone, including K-man. He turned to me the other day and said "I like you like this, you have no idea how it makes me feel when I come over after work and you are in a great mood."
I know I'm not allergic to gluten. I don't get stomach ache eating it, nor do I have any other muscle aches or pains. I can eat it and I digest it fine. BUT, for some reason it affects my mood, and state of mind. As much as it pains me to say this, going GF worked for me.
Believe me, my mom has been trying to get me to go GF for some time now, and I've avoided it at all costs. Now, however I don't believe I will be going back to my good friend. I may treat myself every once in a while, but I will be 99% GF from now on.
(Side story, the other day, I really wanted pancakes so I made some, and I regretted it the rest of the day. I was moody, and negative, and worriesome all over again.)
Along with going GF, I've been juicing. K-man and I have been trying to lose weight, and get more active, so I welcomed the gifted juicer into my home with open arms. Every morning for breakfast I make some juice, and start my day off with a punch of vitamins and minerals.
So there is my success story. At this point, I've had my mom help me with finding alternatives, and K-man encouraging me to just say no, when bread calls my name. Last night for dinner, and today for lunch I made SUPER yummy cauliflower crust pizza. I normally shudder at the thought of cauliflower, but anything smothered in cheese, and covered in garlic ranch sauce sounds good to me. The night before that, I joined my family for dinner, where we had fried chicken and gravy, with chocolate cake, all without sugar, gluten, or dairy... (My mom is a miracle worker). It was delicious and I didn't feel like I had indulged or broken my diet. It was awesome. I can still eat most of the wonderful things I love, with little modification.
So the moral of the story is your mom is right. Mine had been telling me I could feel this great for some time now, and I couldn't (or wouldn't) hear her over the call of doughnuts.
So there ya have it.

20 Things I'm Starting To Learn in My 20s

1. Getting dressed in the morning is a matter of respecting yourself enough to make the effort.
Yes, sometimes wearing leggings and an oversized sweatshirt all day, is the best you can do. Sometimes, it’s all you feel like. BUT, please don’t get stuck in the rut. Respect your body enough to get dressed. You will feel better, and you will be more motivated to own your day. The possibilities are endless for a women equipped with good jeans and great shoes. However, if she never gets dressed, she won't understand this.

2. Quality is ALWAYS better than quantity.
Friends, clothing, food, it doesn’t matter. It is always better to have one quality piece of something, than ten sub-par versions. I’ve learned this especially with clothing. One pair of really good jeans can work for you in so many more ways than ten pairs of jeggings, or $10 jeans.  The same goes for friends. High school is over, the popularity contest is over (if it really ever began). Don’t waste your time on sub-par friendships. Pick out the most rewarding relationships, and let the others go.

3. Cleanliness is next to Relaxation
Having a clean living environment is the best feeling. Coming home from work is always a relief when I walk in and the dishes aren’t piled a mile high, and the living room isn’t cluttered. It’s easier to debrief from my day in a clean space. That being said…..

4. Don’t sweat the small spills.
I’m a messy person. It’s a work in progress, but I’ve learned to accept that I will never have the cleanest home. K-man has nicknamed me Stain, and I’m secretly okay with that. I rarely make it through the day without spilling something. At first it stressed me out, but I’ve learned to laugh at myself, and accept that my mind works on a more “creative” level.

5. Running really is cheaper than therapy
There are things running can’t fix. There are times that I can’t handle a work-out because I am too stressed. Exercising however, is a good first try. There are only rare occasions that a hard workout doesn’t make me feel better. Gym time is me time. Yes, I take K-man with me, but when I am working out, I am in the zone. I listen to my music, and focus on pushing out the negative energy.

6. Sometimes you can be an introvert and want to go out.
I’m not sure what it is about our modern culture, but there is this obsession about whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. WHO CARES? If you feel like going out, go out. If you feel like slumming it in your PJs with Netflix and your cat, more power to ya. Yes, there are ways to “self-diagnose” your personality, and figure out how you best cope with things. This shouldn't dictate how you like to spend your time. I like to call myself an introverted extrovert, since I like all of it.

7. Love isn’t always a fairy tale.
I got really lucky. K-man came into my life when I least expected, and I’ll be honest, he swept me off my feet. He is the best thing to have ever happened to me. He treats me with respect, and he shows me every day how much he loves me. He also gets into childish moods, and wants nothing more than to push all of my buttons, causing me to loathe and admire him all at once. It’s surprised me how real our life together is. We fell into each other’s lives fairly naturally, and we have progressed enough to know that we want the other around for a long time. Our love is real. I can be a real pain in his butt, and he can be a real pest, but we really love each other. It’s not perfect. It’s actually really messy, and feelings get hurt. BUT even with all the frustration it’s those messy moments when I realize just how much I love him.

8. Where you are now isn’t always where you’ll be.
This might be a “just Hannah” thing, but I get into this mindset where I look at my life and realize where I’m at, and =I get overwhelmed because wherever I am isn’t where I want to be. Well, news flash, THAT’S OK. I’m only 21. In the grand scheme of things, I am still a baby. I’ll get there eventually, and that’s okay.

9. It’s okay to not have it all together all the time.
I feel like I have been frustrated for a large portion of my life because I have been trying to live like someone else, and not like myself. I’ve looked up to my older sister for most of my life. She just gets life. Sure, she has her hard times, but she works through life checking boxes. I’ve learned, that’s not my style. I don’t have my life all together all the time. I get up and go to work, and most of the time, I barely make it out the door without a stain on my shirt. It’s a miracle if I get the dishes done, let alone the floor mopped. Sometimes I make mistakes, and sometimes I procrastinate. Sometimes all my ends don’t meet. It’s a good one, when my manicures don’t chip for an entire day. That’s okay though. I’m content with where I am on this journey we all call life.

10. Plans change
Had you asked me a year ago where I would be, never in a million years would I have said “Living in Vancouver dating the man of my dreams, working at a Methodist church.” I could have not imagined that breaking my ankle would have sent me home to work at Sears. Had you told me that’s how my life would go, I would have thought you were nutzo-freakso. But, that’s where I’m at. I’m not living in New York. I am working as an editor, but in a capacity I never knew existed. I’m a planner, but I’m starting to like it when life doesn’t go according to plan. It’s more exciting that way.

11. Doing nice things for others is the best way to a smile
My mom always told me the best way to frustrate people who are mean to you is to kill them with kindness. I never really got that, because in my mind if you were really trying to be kind to them, killing them would be the last thing on your mind…
Well, I have learned that serving people, and helping them have a better day helps me have a better day. It can be as simple as bringing home your roommates favorite candy, or as big as filling up your boyfriend’s car. Whatever it is, don’t expect anything in return. Just pat yourself on the back for doing such a nice thing.

12. You can do anything but not everything.
This kind of goes back to 8 and 9, but I think it has merit on its own. There are times when I feel like volunteering for everything, and going out to serve everyone. This isn’t possible. I only have the energy and bandwidth for some of it. Be selective with how you spend your time. Give yourself the same attention and love you give everyone else.

13. Some people cannot be helped.
I’m a nice person. Sometimes I’m too nice. Working in retail, and other customer service positions, has taught me that there are people in this world are set on being miserable. They will critique everything you do, and will not let you live it down. Sometimes they take you blunders to higher powers, and it will make your life miserable for a while. Well, I’m gonna say it “Haters gonna hate.” There are going to be people who you cannot please NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.
Cry, eat ice cream, whatever it is you do to feel better, do it. Then, take a deep breath, realize that your mistakes don’t define you, and carry on. These people are in your life, and you can learn from them, and move on, or you can continue to let them bully you. Choose to let it go. Their misery isn’t your problem.

14. No one else has to live your life.
You are the only person who has to live with your decisions. Don’t live your life for anyone else, but you. No one else has to go to sleep at night, in your head. Your life is yours. Create what you want. Love who you love. No one on this earth has the right to judge your life. What someone else thinks of you isn’t any of your business. You do you, and let the naysayers nay say.

15. Social media is a distraction
Yes, you can accomplish great things with social media. Messages can be spread. People can connect. BUT, in my opinion (as this is my personal blog) social media is nothing more than a distraction. I know I will never hear the end of this, but social media is a waste of time. Is it an enjoyable waste of time? Sure. Do I use it? You probably got a link to this from social media, so yeah. Is it a necessary part of my life? No.
Sure, I tweet and Instagram as much as the next person (my mother would argue I do it more,) but that doesn’t mean it’s a valuable use of my time. I’ve been striving (and kind of failing) at making it a lesser priority. It’s a work in progress, but what isn’t?

16. I deserve to be here.
Something I’ve struggled with my entire life, is feeling worthy of certain relationships. Many times I find myself sitting in a room justifying my presence to myself. I’m learning to stop this. When I walk into a room, I deserve to be there, just as much as the next person. I deserve quality relationships, and I deserve to be loved for who I am. We are all working for so much in our lives, acceptance shouldn’t be one of them.

17. I have my body and you have yours
My body is 100% unique. I’m the only version of myself. I don’t want to be a second rate version of someone else. I will dress my body and care for myself in the way that I see fit. I will never have perfect hair. My skin will probably always be oily and blemished. But you know what? It’s my body to love, not yours. I have really great legs. I love the color of my eyes. I have dainty hands, and I LOVE THEM. I don’t need your beauty standards.

18. It’s okay to take pride in things
I’ve always been told it was a bad thing to be proud of things. I was always scared of being seen as too proud, and being struck down by a lightning bolt or something…Once I heard my mom say “I’m a really good cook,” and I was SHOCKED that she would say such a boastful thing. She then explained that she wasn’t being boastful, she was being honest. She is a good cook. I don’t know anyone who would argue with that. When I do a good job on something, I’ve learned that it’s okay to say “I did a great job,” and reward myself accordingly. 

19. Fear is never a good reason to do something, or not do something.
I’ve never understood using the fear mentality, when love and acceptance is so much more effective. No one wants to feel like a wrong choice is going to lead to some kind of moral Armageddon. When we make choices based on our fear, we are more proned to doing things we don’t want to, or not doing things we want to. Many times, our fear is misplaced anyway. 

20. It's okay to ask for what you need. 

I'm not the kind of person to ask for help. I never want to put someone else out. I figure that if I can't do it myself, I don't need it done. This isn't true. Ever. We have relationships in our lives, and people all around us to lend a hand and help facilitate the things we need. It may seem silly because no one else has asked, but maybe it's because all the others were too scared. 

So there you have it. Life lessons from yours truly, 

H.

The Yo-yo Effect

I hit that number. I said I would never hit it again. It crept up on my slowly and stuck, wouldn't shake off. I hit it and kept right on gaining. 

Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about weight. The big ELL-Bees. 

I told myself that I was okay because I'm a beautiful, confident, grown-ass woman, and I don't need a scale to validate my feelings. I have a wonderful boyfriend who tells me I'm beautiful no matter what. I have a blessed life and shouldn't worry about something as superficial as back fat. This is all true. 

What's also true, is that I should be respecting my body enought to keep promises I have made it. I should be honoring my body. I should be feeding it with whole foods, and not shoving it full of half a bag of buffalo wings and a slurpee, (at midnight) because I forgot to eat dinner. 

I have been blessed with an incredibly healthy, and unique body. I should be shaping it into the best form of itself. 

A few months ago, I signed up for a gym membership. To be honest, it was more of a show of effort, than an actual effort. I signed up, and went a few times, not really investing. Then, I got sick with he stomach flu and used that as an excuse. Until today, it had been a solid six weeks. (This is especially sad since i can see the gym from my house) So much for the monetary motivation. 

Today, however, while I was crushing a set of squats, I realized how much I wanted my "good body" back. 

I pushed myself to new (old) limits, and it felt incredible. 

After the gym, Kyle and I stopped at winco and grabbed a TON of produce, and then came home to make yummy shakes, and turkey burgers. 

It's now evening time, and rather than sitting here ready to crawl into my dark hole of Netflix spiraling, I'm ready to organize my life and set goals. (While stretching out my incredibly stiff muscles)

One day. 

It took ONE DAY to see the benefits. 

So that's where I'm at. One day at a time, I'm ready to see where the positivity and serious dedication can take me.  

For those of you following me on Pinterest, get ready for a WHOLE LOTTA motivation and healthy food. 

Sorrynotsorry

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Neverthess, I'm excited for this journey. Kyle and I outlined goals we have for ourselves, and rules we are going to hold eachother accountable to. I'm ready to see the results. 

I'm pretty dang lucky to have this hunky man to help me through this, and love me enough to say no when all I want is DQ (Heath blizzards will be the death of me.)

So here's to new beginnings and interrupting the yoyo effect. 

The 5 People We All Hate on Facebook

1. The Mushy Couple
There are few things that anger and confuse me like mushy couples on Facebook. These are the couples who interrupt your lunch-break stalking session with epic declarations of love, and an overload of emoji hearts. The couple who has their profile picture AND their cover photo set to a perfectly posed "candid" snapshot of themselves cuddled up to their lover. These couples anger me because somehow, they make me feel like a third wheel, when I'm not even with them. Their constant banter through comments on pictures of each other make my "you look good" or "where is that?" comments look awkward. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that my compliment was going to be lost in a sea of "I love you more" and "you are SO gorgeous."
I'm confused by these couples because as a social media platform, Facebook is designed to allow people to forge lifelong relationships with people they've met once or twice. When couples like this are born into social media they welcome the world into their love life. I get it, you are proud to be coupled with this person. But isn't allowing the entire internet world to read your brags, the same as inviting the party next to your table at The Olive Garden to sit and listen to you fawn over the love of your life?
Yes, the answer is yes.

2. The "I'm obsessed with this one thing so I am going to post multiple pictures/videos/memes a day of it, to convince you just how much I love it"
Your cat? A jeep? dance? Whatever your hobby happens to be, I salute you for it. It's great to have a hobby. It's great to have a guilty pleasure, something you like to talk about. My problem here, is when pictures of your new car, or the car you wish you had, start out numbering the pictures of babies and wedding announcements on my news feed. I have FB so A.) I can keep in touch with people I love and admire, and B.) I can stalk people I secretly hate/don't know but I am jealous of (chances are if we are friends you fall into one of those two categories...) When you start posting pictures or videos of the same things every day, I can't help but start to re-evaluate this internet friendship. (To be honest, I keep some people who do this because the other drama in their life outweighs the annoying obsessions they have...)

3. The Over Sharer
Whether this person is the one who writes status updates that are long enough to be published and listed on the NY Times best sellers, or the one who likes and shares every meme to come into existence, doesn't matter. What does matter is the fact that this person doesn't just worm their way into your news feed, but that the ARE your news feed. These are the people who are unfollowed on a regular basis, because none of us want to see the fifth 'script words against a sparkly background' quote you've posted today. Your over-active news feed has me concerned about your every-day life. I sit in wonder as I contemplate how you accomplish your daily tasks, while sharing everything there is to share on the internet. Actually, I don't...I unfollow and carry on with my scrolling.

4. The Under Sharer/Sub-Status-er
We get it "life is just so hard," and you "just wish people understood." But PLEASE for the life of everything that is holy, if you aren't going to share it all, don't share AT ALL. Your passive aggressive please for help are aggravating me, because I am curious enough to care, but I don't care enough to ask. Chances are, I don't know you very well, but I'm still someone who likes drama, and I would like it to unfold. Don't tease me. It's not nice.

5. The Gamer
Candy Crush, Farmville, and Pet Rescue, are all games which have come into existence and stayed popular because of Facebook. The creators of these games are clever in their marketing strategy. They ask you to ask your friends, hoping your friends will see your request, want to help you out, and then get hooked on the game themselves. BUT this isn't what happens. What does happen, is that I get requests for these games, showing up as notifications. I'm hopeful, in that I see the notification and a little flutter flips in my stomach. Somebody loves me. But then, I see that it's not a like or a comment about me, but a request to play Farmville, giving me the desire to stomp through your virtual tomato patch, and destroy your crops like you've crushed my hope for friendship.

** I should admit that I am an active Candy Crusher, but I only send requests to fellow crushers...it's all about the way you game people.**

To My Muse

I was told to not write about you.
But not writing about you feels wrong.
I want to write all about you. I want to write about your smile, the way it catches me off guard. The way I swoon a little when I catch you staring at me and then you laugh.
I always ask you what you're thinking about, and you always say nothing. I know that can't be true though. I know that because it's not true for me. When I stare at you my mind is running a thousand miles a minute.
I think about our future. I think about the way you tickle me because you know that as much as I resist you, I secretly love it. I think about the way you have little secrets, and how I also love that because it means there is so much more to know about you.
I was told not to write about you because then you'd be eternal. You would forever be embossed on the world, through my words.
But, is that wrong?
Not writing about you is what feels wrong. I want to tell the world. I want to exploit the awkwardness of our first kiss. I want to rehash our first fight. It was about tea.
I want to write about you because I want to world to know about you too. I want everyone to know about how you take care of me when I'm sick. How you tease me, how you say all the wrong things in just the right way. The way you believe in every endeavor I embark on, no matter how crazy it seems.
I'm supposed to write about what I know. You are what I know.
I know your laugh. I know the patterns of your breath when you're upset. I know the flicker of mischief in your eyes just before you jump into some childish scheme.
Encapsulating you in my words is a challenge. It pushes me to find new words to describe what I get to see everyday. It pushes me to describe the person you reveal to only me.
I've taken on this challenge because you've taken me on. I'm a challenge, and you've handled me perfectly. You've held this mess together better than anyone else. The late nights, and early mornings haven't scared you away.
I'm impressed with you. You've changed the way I see myself and the world.
Writing about you comes easily. I never understood "Muses" until you. You inspire me. You inspire me by encouraging and believing in me.
I was told not to write about you, but I'd like to see someone try and stop me. It's an addiction. Releasing words bouncing around in my head gives me a rush. Finding the perfect way to portray some element of your person- within a different character relieves me. It strengthens my desire to know you, to find more inspiration.
So thank you. Thank you for being an irresistible subject. Thank you for being something to write about. Thank you for the thrill of doing something I was told not to. Thank you for the rebellion.

Spaces

Your spot was empty today.
I've started to dig out spaces for you to live. Your seat at the table. Your space on the couch. Your presence has changed me. It's shaken me up and rattled me down. I didn't realize this was what it would feel like. Making space for you is easy. Having time for you is my favorite. I feel your influence in the mundane things of every day. Picking up your favorites at the store. Washing one or two extra loads. Making a little more dinner so you have a lunch. 

I guess that's what makes the inevitable so tragic. When your gone, I have these spaces. Blocks of time left unused. Empty thoughts without a direction to fly. Without you there are holes.  

Like holes in my skin, they take time to heal. But longer. No bandaid can mend the space where you were. 

In the meantime I keep stretching. The holes get bigger and the scars left from previous holes get less noticeable. 

One day I'm sure I'll find the one. The one that will make spaces for me. The one that will have spaces so large, neither of us dare leave for the spaces can't be filled. Not by anyone else at least. I'm honest when I say I hope that it's you. I hope your spaces won't be filled by another. You're the best I've ever had. But then again, I said that last time didn't I? 

My Christian Background Is Actually Pushing Me Away From Marriage

I found this picture on Pinterest the other day. A friend of mine posted it to her humor board. When I saw it, I felt a lot of things. I mainly felt that pang of familiarity. I’ve seen this in real life. I’ve seen the wedding announcement go on top of the graduation announcement on the fridge.

Source for Picture found HERE

Every time I see this picture, I am struck with the same thought. “Why is the one with diploma frowning?” I’m 99.9% positive the picture started as a joke, but behind every just kidding there is an element of truth. If a picture is worth a thousand words, this one says: The diploma holding girl is disappointed in her accomplishments, when comparing them to those of her peers. Her graduation is not as exciting as the marriages or engagements of her friends. She had to finish school while her friends got married.

I was raised in a very conservative, Christian household. I had a good childhood. I’ve had supportive family and friends, but for the last 20-something years of my life I’ve been pushed to “grow up and get married.” I went to school, and was encouraged to do so, but mainly so I could have an education, “in case something happens to my husband and I need to provide for my family.”

As a teenager, I was excited by the thought of going to college and finding “Prince Charming” and getting married so I could be a mom and take care of my babies.

And then I actually went to college.

I went to a religious school, and from day one was pushed to date and socialize so I could get married. The first semester the idea was still fresh and I was ready for it. By my second semester, however, I began to change and my mind. I wanted to learn. I had mentors who pushed me to acknowledge my education for myself, and understand what a blessing it was to be in a place of learning. I decided that I should go to college for an education and not to find a husband.

 I was paying for this right?

I began looking towards other goals. I contemplated going to Africa to work on a research project. When I presented the plan to some people I was close to, in a very serious tone one turned to me and said “Well, you are going to need to think about what that means for your future. You won’t be finding a husband in Africa.”

Right.

Marriage and family was and still is important to me, but is it so important, that other exciting goals (such as graduation from college) should be dismissed or seen as less worthy? Hell no.

When I graduated, I had the same conversation countless times:

 “Are you dating anyone?”

“No.”

“Are you going on a mission?”

“No.”

“Oh, well, what is your plan sweetie?”

“I’m planning on working and traveling, because I’m done with school. And I’m young, when’s a better time?”

“Oh that’s nice” *Accompanied by a condescending pat on the knee*

Never mind the fact that I had graduated. I was 20, but unmarried. I was becoming a menace to society. My accomplishments wouldn’t mean anything “in the grand scheme of things.”

A close friend and I talk about this on a regular basis. He’s been pushed to go to school to find a career that will support a family, rather than pursue his passion. He’s a musician, and a talented one at that, but he feels the pressure to find something more, “family friendly.” He has no immediate desire to be married. He wants to travel. He wants to explore and discover the world, and is responsible enough to know that what he wants and what is expected of him are separate. He hasn’t gotten married because of the pressure and I respect him for that.

I’ve seen the separation develop slowly, but powerfully. I’ve seen myself draw away from the programs set up to “help me” find a spouse. Those things put in place to assist in getting me married off, have deterred me more than anything. I’ve watched as my goals aim in a different direction than most of my peers. It’s frustrating but I see it as even more of an accomplishment. I’m doing what many of my church friends haven’t or can’t do.

 If I was living the life my limited society has set up for me, I’d have gotten married quickly and had children even faster. I have a friend who is living that life. She loves it. She was made for that. It is exactly what she wants. I don’t want the same things for my life, but that doesn’t mean that what I want is any less important.

Graduation was one of the most significant days of my life. I was on top of the world. This was my big day. No, I wasn’t wearing white. But I was wearing a gown I had worked my entire life for.

Just Do You

I had a revelation today.
I consider it a good day when this sort of thing happens, and as it is 4:30 in the morning, I'd say this was turning up to be a great day indeed.
I am currently sitting in the airport, and as per usual, I was scanning my various social media platforms. As a good friend (virtual of course) tweeted the other day, my Facebook feed is "turning into one big wedding/baby/graduation announcement."
It's true.
But that's beside the point.  The point I am trying to make on this fine Thursday morning is that we, as individuals, apply importance to things in our lives, and the amount of importance we place on various "things" dictates how it falls in our list of priorities.
Shocking, I know. But hear me out.
What is happening in your life right now is the most important thing.
If you are a parent, the most important thing might (and probably should be) parenting.
But, If you are not a parent, you won't be placing as much importance on the matter.
In my life, as my marriage article so eloquently presents, I have been pushed to pursue certain goals and work towards special events. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be and been encouraged to be a mom. That is something I want, but it should't be the most important thing in my life. Not yet.
I don't have kids. But what I do have, is a career. I have goals within my career that should be getting as much nurturing and focus as a child would. It's something that is important to me. I have milestones in my career that I anticipate and look forward to in the same way a new parent anticipates their child's first steps. *
When I place importance on the goals in my own life, I am making that goal a priority. It's not to say the others are less important, but they have a different level on my priority list.
This idea that someone else might have a life outside of your focus, or value things that aren't important to you, seems simplistic at best. But, day after day, each of my social media platforms is flooded with claims that "being a mom is the best thing ever", or "getting married is the best thing to ever happen to me."
I'm sure these things are great, but just because they are the best for you, doesn't mean they are the best for everyone. OR even better, maybe they aren't great for everyone at that time. I'm happy to share your success, and I'm even happier when your accomplishments make you happy. I'm not happy when my success are deemed less worthy, or I'm made to feel bad about the life choices I'm making.
I've chosen a path in my life that focuses on different things than many of the friends I grew up. I'm focusing on my career and taking time to better myself, not because I don't want to get married. That's not it at all, I've just picked out a different hand of cards.
My advice, for all you looking for that (probably not many, I get it) is to just do you. Figure out what makes you tick and work with that. If you want to travel, do it. If you want to have babies, have them! If you want to try your hand at all of it, manage it the way you want. No one else has to live with your choices.
I'm not saying be reckless, but be adventurous. Don't let anyone else tell you how to live your life. Not even me, as oxymoronic as that sounds.
Even more important than living your own life, is supporting those who choose differently. No matter the choices, we all could use the support of a friend or loved one, even if we know they don't agree. It strengthens my desire to be better and push myself when I know there are people standing behind me cheering me on.

Until next time,

H.

*I am assuming it's the same, as noted, I don't have children, and so I don't know everything.

Jumping Off

So, it's been awhile.

Life has been crazy busy, as usual, but I am so happy with where I'm at.

My most recent adventure, has been quitting one of my part time jobs, and diving into the world of freelance. 

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a writer. I've started who knows how many novels, and have hundreds of free writes stashed all over. It occurred to me the other day, that it would be beneficial for me and my writing if I started putting it out there. I've had the dream to be published, and the realization hit me that I could actually be published. I'm living the grown-up life, and I have the capabilities to make my voice heard. 

I started submitting articles to one of my favorite websites, Thought Catalog. They publish articles that I enjoy reading, so why not try my hand at writing them? I have yet to hear back, and have anything actually published, but a girl can dream. 

I've recently landed a freelance job working for a man who needs articles written for various Australian business owners. As far as I can tell it is mainly SEO writing, meaning it's geared towards getting more hits on search engines, and it isn't everything I want to do, but hopefully it will start to pay some bills.

Its a scary adventure to head into, but I'm excited at the possibilities and I love having the freedom and the time to write. I have a few days off a week now, and I am able to spend my time writing and brainstorming. I've never had this much time to dedicate, and I'm starting to see it's important. 

Quitting one reliable source of income and supporting myself with just 20 hours of regular work was scary. I wasn't sure if I could do it, and it's still a little iffy. Knowing that people believe in my work, however, has been so beneficial. 

*insert gushing plug about my wonderful boyfriend and his unyielding support, even on my grumpy days.*

So anyway, my life is wonderful, and I'm sorry for not keeping every one as updated as I should. 

Until next time, 

H.