Weighing In.

Body image is a big deal in today's culture. Stand in line at any grocery store for long enough, and you will see article topics ranging from the shock and awe about which celebrity gained, to what diet trend helped a celebrity lose X number of pounds. Women and girls of all shapes and sizes are bombarded with comments, pictures, and expectations, all about weight and body image. While there are bigger issues to resolve (see racism, sexism, etc.) body shaming has

GOT. TO. STOP. 

I consider myself a fairly positive, self-loving person. I see the value in my talents and abilities. I do however, have some serious issues with my body image, and all that is affiliated. (eating habits, exercising, etc.) I've been working through my issues, and with the help of my loving husband, have worked to identify the root of a number of my issues. I've learned (or remembered) that many of my issues stem from comments from other people. Here I would like to explore those comments, and respond to them, in case someone somewhere may be struggling with the same issues I do. 

Also, before I get started... The content of this post is real life, and sometimes real life sucks. I am not, however, looking for pity or comfort. The entire purpose behind this post is to explore the issues I'm working through, and prove to myself that I'm a bad ass woman regardless of my size. Also, to provide some solidarity to anyone struggling with the same issues. 

To the wide eyed looks in reference to my pant size when I was 13

I've always been tall. I've also always had a little more chub than my peers. While this was probably totally normal, I remember a specific time when I was talking about my pant size with some friends. I was the biggest pant size, coming in at an 8. While this could have been totally healthy for a girl who had just hit puberty, I remember getting a wide-eyed stare after saying something. I went home that day and thought about how I could lose enough weight to fit in. I told myself that I was a fat cow, and that I didn't deserve to be friends with such pretty, skinny girls.

After that I did my best to hide my belly, while simultaneously squeezing into pants that were WAY too small. I kept that habit up for a while, and it eventually back fired on me in an Old Navy dressing room. I went shopping with my sister, and we were looking for some things to wear to an interview. I tried on a size that was clearly too small. She mentioned I should go for something looser. In terms of business attire, she was totally right. In my brain, she was calling me fat. (she totally wasn't, but I burst into tears, ruining that shopping trip.)

Looking back, I wish I would have known to tell my 13 year old self, that pant size is not a reflection of my personality, self worth, talents, or over all awesomeness. IT'S JUST A NUMBER. It's not a place to start comparing myself to other awesome women who happen to have a smaller number on their tag. Also, self induced muffin tops are not cute. Ever. Buy the bigger size. You aren't a lesser person for it. 

To the boy who told me more boys would love me if I lost a few pounds:

You're a really nice person. Really. We were friends, and I would not have spent time with you if you weren't. That comment, however, has stuck with me for YEARS. I'm now happily married, but still have issues with letting my husband see me in the way a husband should. I still have issues with accepting my husband's love, no matter what the scale says. 

While this isn't the single comment that sent me spiraling in self-loathing, it did help propel it. At the point in time when you made that comment, I'd been struggling with that exact sentiment, in my own head, for years. It probably started when I noticed that certain girls had boyfriends, and I didn't...and that those girls looked different from me.  You're comment did cemented it in my brain. Logically I knew it was false, but to the insecure little girl inside, hearing a boy tell me that more boys would love me if I was smaller, was devastating.

Part of me hopes that you read this and part of me doesn't. If you do, I hope that you realize that comment was hurtful, and that you shouldn't ever say anything like that ever again. I also hope you realize that while your comment was hurtful, I still value you as a person, and think you are awesome. I also know that you probably didn't mean to say something that would cause me to think that way. I do not hold this against you. 

I wish I would have had the skills to process, this, realize it was total bullshit and throw it out. I didn't, and I'm still working on it. 

To the *smaller* girls who complained about their weight.

When I heard comments about how "fat" a girl was, especially when she was smaller than me, made me question every curve on my body. I would wonder if she saw me as some kind of hippo, because I was obviously fatter. 

Anyone who has made comments about how *fat* they are:

PLEASE STOP. 

Girls with lots of fat, and girls with less fat, we all need to learn how to love our bodies for the amazing, healthy machines that they are. Why don't we talk about how we love our bodies as much as we talk about the things we hate. Or even better, talk about skills we want to develop or they type of women we want to become. Let's focus our conversations on the type of people we are, rather than the size pants we wear. You can still talk about your shortcomings, but don't ever think that your weight is somehow a shortcoming. 

To my mother, who bless her heart, had me finish everything on my plate. NO MATTER WHAT. 

My mom and I have since talked about this, so I feel okay about writing it. 

When I was growing up, we had a rule in our house: You eat what's on your plate, and you eat until it's gone. 

As a toddler and growing child, that was fine. I ate well balanced meals, and my parents regulated portions. As a teenager, who was struggling with emotional eating, and now dishing her own portions, this was an equation for disaster. I ate WAY more than I needed, and it got especially bad when I did a stint as a vegetarian. Rather than crafting well balanced veggie meals, I just filled the protein portion of my plate with carbs. Around this time, the rule became an excuse to eat anything that touched my plate. 

While this wasn't my mother's fault, I can point to the rule of finishing everything on my plate, as a starting place for my binge eating habits. Even now, I hear my inner voice telling me to finish what's in front of me, regardless of how full I am. On multiple occasions Kyle has given me "permission" to leave leftovers on my plate, or at a restaurant. I'm 23, and just learning that it's okay to leave 5 bites on my plate, regardless of the money or time that went into putting it there. I hope that one day I'll be able to teach my children the same thing much earlier. 

To the comment on how much I'm eating. 

This one is related to the point above, but in essence, it's own issue. It's no secret that I struggle with binge eating. I hide wrappers, and eat a ridiculous amount of junk when I'm depressed, anxious, angry, or stressed. I use food as a drug to numb the uncomfortable emotions I'm feeling. 

I've done this for a long time, and I remember on multiple occasions, comments about how much food I was shoveling away. While I am sure these comments were more often than not, well meant, they still threw a wrench in an already dysfunctional cycle. 

Imagine for a moment that you struggle with eating to cope with uncomfortable emotions. You are standing at a party, and feeling uncomfortable because your friend brought you to her friend's party. You don't know anyone. You automatically start looking for the snacks, and find a table with large amounts of food just sitting there waiting to be used as a security blanket. You begin to eat, and suddenly your brain shuts off. You continue to eat, but then your well meaning friend mentions that you've eaten almost all the Doritos yourself. After that, not only are you uncomfortable because you don't know anyone, you are embarrassed and angry with yourself for eating all the Doritos. Now you begin to eat, in secret so your friend doesn't see, for three emotions, rather than just one. 

I've been that person. I've been the one eating as fast as I can to shut up the emotions inside, and console my hurt feelings. My response to two fold. 

First, to the well meaning friend:

While your comment about eating too much is well meant, it doesn't land well. Rather than commenting on the food, I would recommend redirecting your binge eating friend. Try distracting, or even physically removing them from the food (but even then be gentle.) Help introduce them to someone at the party, or get them involved with other people in another way. I understand that if you aren't close, you might not realize they are a binge eater, and it might not even be as easy as seeing them eat copious amounts of food. In those cases I have one piece of advice: 

When you are tempted to comment on how much food anyone is eating, don't. No matter where they are on the body image scale, the comment isn't necessary. It's more likely to hurt than help, and for all you know that person really is that hungry, and isn't just eating for the sake of eating. 

The first time I remember this comment, I hadn't eaten all day, and was stuffing my face with totally normal foods. Nothing junky, and in perspective, not too much. I was just eating it ridiculously fast. Someone commented on how much I was eating and it started a terrible cycle of weight management issues. I still struggle with figuring out what normal portions are, and have struggled through stints of starvation, only to binge bad after a day or two. 

My advice to the Doritos bringer: 

Get help. Educate yourself. Figure out if you are an emotional eater, or what else could be causing you to mindlessly graze. I didn't even know binging, without purging, was a thing. Find ways to cope with your emotions that aren't food. Also, therapy isn't a terrible choice. In fact, it could really help you identify the issues you are trying to numb with food. There is something awesome about telling another person (who doesn't know you) about what you are feeling. 

And finally, to the first person to suggest a diet to my 13 year old self. 

Honestly, I don't remember if this was a person, or a magazine article. All I remember is it was the start of a vicious cycle that I'm still working every day to break.  I wish I could throw the word diet out of the English language, just so the girls (or boys) younger than me won't learn it. It's a terrible sentiment, and I hate it. 

Diets (I'm cringing as I use the word) provide the fast-fashion solution to weight issues. They parade around sounding super bourgie, and easy. In reality, they will wear out faster than a Forever 21 NYE dress, leaving you cold, unsatisfied, and angry with yourself for trying (and failing) it again. 

Dieting is the worst possible solution to weight gain. ESPECIALLY in children. 

While it sounds uber woo-woo and hippy-ish, I prefer lifestyle. Changing your lifestyle, and the way you think about food, goes beyond a diet. 

While this is the ultimate goal, I still struggle DAILY with this. Embarrassingly enough my search history from last week will confirm that I still seek out the fast fixes to weight issues. I'm a sucker for the articles claiming to have the next best Dr. Oz fat flush figured out. When all is said and done, however, I've done enough juice fasts to know that physical healthy goes beyond just what you eat, or choose not to eat. 

All in all, my issues with body image, will be a lifelong battle. I will probably always struggle with saying no to cake, even when my stomach is full. But at least finding the root of these issues is a start. I'm working, one day at a time, to regulate my weight, and find a healthy balance between kale and cookies.