How I’m Learning to Kick Anxiety’s Ass

For most of my adolescent and early adult life, I’ve lived with an almost dilapidating case of anxiety. I carry around with me a sense of impending doom, the feeling that something terrible will happen at any given moment. I have good days and bad days, but the bad days are dark, and happen frequently. While most people feel this fear or stomach turning anxiety during times of uncertainty, I feel it more days than not, and in situations that don’t call for it.  The week leading up to my wedding (and incredibly joyous occasion which I do not regret one bit) I felt this anxiety so strongly, that I seriously questioned my choice. Looking back, this questioning was a normal case of doubt, that most people would deal with by kissing their fiance, and letting the irrational questions wash away with the love of their significant other.

Recently I’ve been working to reevaluate my life, and where I stand in reference to the values and ideals I grew up with. I think this is something everyone should do a time or two, because if there is anything I’ve learned in my short 23 years on this planet, it’s that I am my own person and have different needs than my parents, siblings, and friends; that it’s okay to change.

During this reevaluation, I’ve come to realize that my anxiety stems from a large heaping portion of guilt. I’ve been walking around doubting my decisions, and hoping nothing bad happens because I feel as though I’ve been doing something wrong. Let me state right here that while I do believe in a set of morals that guide my life, I also believe that the scale of right and wrong is more fluid than we realize.

Think for a moment about a two women who both have babies the same age. One may breastfeed while the other uses formula. We may believe that formula is wrong for a child, but that doesn’t mean it’s the case for everyone. It is not anyone’s place to tell that mother she’s doing something wrong when it comes to her child. For all we know, one child has allergies, so severe, breastmilk isn’t an option. And it’s more than likely that mother feels immense guilt for feeding her child formula, because the mom’s in her baby yoga class shun, or judge her for dealing with a situation the best she knows how.

Now, not every decision we make in life is going to be as trivial as what to feed your baby (though I sympathize with moms who struggle with that issue, and by no means am I trying to downplay the headache it causes.) Most of the time, when we are feeling guilt, it is because of something much larger, and more “serious” in the eyes of society or ourselves.

In my case, I’ve been struggling with appeasing this heavy load of guilt, caused by living my life in a way that is different from that of my family and friends. I am the personification of the stories I was told about people who have “fallen away.” Now this could be the point at which I explain that and confess all my difference or wrongdoings, but I’m not going to. What I am going to do is say that this heavy load of guilt has got to go.

My life is beginning to look very different from what I ever imagined, but I am incredibly excited, and even happy about that. By letting go of this guilt, I’ve found I’m able to chase after experiences that otherwise I would have shied away from, for fear of being wrong. I’m in the process of interviewing for a job that excites me and will fulfill many of my life-long dreams. I can tell you right now, if this guilt monster had its way, I wouldn’t have even applied to this job. I wouldn’t have wanted to play into the appearance of evil, regardless of me actually doing anything “wrong.” I have issue with that because to me that gives the power to other people, and excuses their choice to judge my life and choices. As far as I remember, no one on this earth has the right to judge our decisions, and what is “in our hearts” is more important than what other people think of us.

Throughout this transformation of sorts, I’ve learned that it’s okay to question anything that is placed in front of you. And I don’t mean ask the right questions, that will lead you to the “only” answer. I mean question in a way that challenges you, and pushes you think bigger than the solution in front of you. I’ve always been known as a curious person, but until recently I’ve only asked the “right” questions, never the wrong ones. As a naturally curious person, I am discouraged by there being such thing as a “wrong” question. What does that even mean?

In science, there is no wrong question, because the point of putting a hypothesis out there is hoping people try to poke holes in it. If you have something more than a hypothesis, and it’s stood the test of being questioned with the intent of disproving, then it moves into being a theory. As a scientist, looking for more information, it would be fruitless to have “right” and “wrong” questions, because the quest for understanding would be halted.

So what does all this have to do with anxiety? Well, by learning there are no wrong questions, and learning that it’s okay to change, I’ve seen my anxiety melt away.  I no longer feel bound by guilt, and can move on into a life full of discovery, and learning. I no longer feel fear in pursuing the pipe dreams I’ve been holding on to for years. I’ve opened myself up to developing relationships with people that otherwise I would have avoided, and I’ve opened up to stronger relationships with those people because my definition of what is right, and what is wrong, have changed. By learning it’s okay to ask any question, my fear of the unknown (AKA my anxiety) has for all intents and purposes disappeared. Sure, I still get nervous going into an interview, or contemplating what would happen if I lost my job. But I’ve also come to realize that I can make it out of those situations because I’m a capable human being who can build back up from just about any loss. I am reminded of the poem by Ernest Hemingway, and I’ll leave you here with that quote. It’s a good reminder.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”
― William Ernest Henley, Echoes of Life and Death;