Jack--9.2020

 I spend my mornings snuggling this sweet boy, and today we pulled out the handy Nikon and practiced some shots. I'm pretty rusty, and I had to fix the exposure in most of these (thank you Lightroom!) but it was so fun having such a handsome model. He has no idea how many more photoshoots his future holds! 

Things Postpartum Taught Me

I wrote this to help me remember, and to hopefully help another mama/soon to be mama adjust to their new normal.

It's OK to feel like you know nothing. 

Bringing home a baby is a BIG DEAL. I can’t even count the number of times Kyle and I have looked at each other puzzled, or pulled out our phones to google something, or uttered the words “I don’t know, this is my first time too!” At first this was so overwhelming and frankly, kind of frustrating. I’m not known for “winging it.” But honestly, that’s kind of how the past few weeks have gone for us...and it’s OKAY. We still don’t know how everything is going to go, but it feels a whole lot less overwhelming now. 

Baby snuggles are THE best

There is NOTHING and I mean NOTHING better than sitting with a sleeping (or awake but content) newborn baby. I honestly never thought I would want to be pregnant again, but this *might* be enough to convince me. 

The dishes can wait. 

I don’t even know how many times I read this on blogs and advice forums—but it’s SO TRUE. Kyle and I usually keep a pretty tidy home. I knew this was going to be hard to let go, but honestly, it’s not the end of the world. I’m currently sitting in a recliner with bubs napping on my lap, staring at a house that is in shambles. There are dirty swaddles waiting to be washed, dishes in the sink from yesterday, and a kitchen floor that is in desperate need of a good scrubbing. But you know what? 4 weeks ago, I pushed out a 9lb watermelon sized human out of my body, and it’s more than OK that I’m not feeling up to cleaning my house. It’s also OK that even when I do have spurts I’d energy/feel up to things, that I sit and hold my baby while he sleeps...or that I make a run to the grocery store for some alone time. Baby is not going to be this small ever again, and I’m trying to soak up every glorious moment I can—and the solo trips are good for my sanity. Our house will be clean again one day. 

Sleep deprivation is not the end of the world. 

Of all the things I was most worried about postpartum, dealing with the sleep deprivation was the top of my list. It might sound silly, but I’ve never functioned well on less than 8 hours and I was legitimately scared of being a grouchy grump all the time. On average, I get about 4-5 hours of broken sleep at night. I am able to nap during the day—and usually try and steal an hour or two when Kyle is available to hold/help, but I haven’t slept more than 3 hours straight for two weeks now and it’s not been nearly as bad as I thought. Granted, I’m currently nursing a venti iced coffee, and I’m writing this post nap, but I’ve really done better than I expected functioning on such little amounts of sleep.

You can and will make the right choice for you and your baby. 

Having a baby opens up an entire new world of decisions and choices to be made...EVERY DAY. Should you wake the baby to feed so you hit the 12 recommended feedings a day or let them sleep for an extra 40 minutes? Should you offer a pacifier before 4 weeks or hold off until your supply is regulated? Should you pump to boost supply or only feed on demand? Is it okay to have that coffee even if the baby is going to feed before that 2 hour mark? Honestly, it’s overwhelming and google only makes it worse. It took a bit, but I’ve learned it’s best to trust your gut and make the decision that keeps you sane and your baby happy. 

Our bodies are incredible. 

I am honestly shocked at what my body has been through and how my perspective and attitude about myself has changed. First and foremost, I’m so grateful to not be pregnant. Even with all the postpartum healing, I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. Of course I’m soft, and my belly skin hangs a little looser than before but I can stand up without grunting, and I can sleep on my belly, and my insides feel like they are so much more secure (you know not going to fall out with every step.) 

I was so nervous about how my body would change and if I would be able to love it again—you pretty much only read horror stories (or how someone had to work hard to love their body again.) This was not my story. My story was falling in love with my body felt like the most natural next step.

Honestly I’m kind of in awe of my body and the incredible changes it’s been through—not to mention how it works all day every day to feed my baby. I’ve never felt more comfortable or confident in my skin—and I have becoming a mama to thank for that.

All in all, being a mom is everything I’ve ever wanted and I’m so content with my life. Even with all of the scary things in the world right now, I feel at peace and at home in my new space. It’s been a big adjustment, but one happily made. 

An Update

I remembered I had a blog today. It's been so long since I've sat down to write anything that wasn't my novel. In fact, I sat down today to work on that, but that felt like too much work right now, so here we are.
I'm trying to remember the last update I left on here--something about going vegan I think. That's still true. but here are a few things that you might not know:

1. We live in the PNW again! It's been almost a year since the big move back and it was a good decision. Kyle found a job he loves (thanks Heidi) and so did I (thanks again Heidi!) We are starting to look for a house and It seems like such a grown up thing to be doing, and I don't feel quite ready.

2.  I work at a vet clinic. While it wasn't really supposed to be a permanent thing, I've found a space with people I love and work I enjoy. I've made friends and settled back into a pretty regular social life. (go me!) My job also gives me the availability to write, which might be the biggest perk of all.

3. I've started meeting with a writer's group regularly and it's done wonders for my writing life. I get excited to sit down and do the work, and I'm motivated knowing I have people waiting on my chapters. It's still really hard work, and there are definitely days (like today) when I want to rip my hair out because the ideas are all in my head, but the words aren't forming on the page quite as easily. 

4. Kyle works at a construction company, and he loves it. He gets to do all sorts of things with numbers and spreadsheets. It's so good to see him doing something that makes him feel good, and I appreciate that he loves it even if I don't get it--like at all.

Overall our life is happy. We feel like we are back home, and there is nothing quite like that. I can't wait to see where the next few years take us. I'm at the end of things I can think of sharing, so back to finishing my chapter I go...

How Cutting All Animal Products Helped Me Regain Balance

Going back through my blog's history, I've found there are a TON of "Hey look I"m starting a new diet" posts, and nothing ever really stuck. I would start, full throttle on something, survive a few weeks (if that) and then fall off whatever bandwagon I'd been hitched to. I wanted to write about this one right away as well, but decided to hold off until I could actually report my findings, and not just my excitement for a new way of living. But here I am ready to report on my 5 months in on eating a whole foods, plant based diet....aka a vegan diet.

Kyle and I started after a particularly binge ridden few weeks, in an effort to detox our poor bodies, and shed a few extra pounds. We wanted to incorporate more vegetables, and after watching one Netflix documentary or another about the dangers of animal products, we decided to take a break. At the time, we didn't put a time limit on it, we just wanted to try something new.

While many people (myself included before making this change) see veganism as the equivalent of eating rabbit food with no flavor, I've found that this has worked for us. We eat a wide range of foods, even some of our favorites - just modified a little. The benefits range from clearer skin, more energy, reduced inflammation (aka no more sciatica pain for Kyle), weight-loss, and regulated hormones. (no more mood swings for me!) The biggest benefit I've found, however, is that my relationship with food has changed for the better.

As someone who struggles with binge eating, and has some dangerous food habits, this lifestyle change has made a tremendous difference in the way that I see and think about food. I've started to eat "intuitively," which pretty much means I eat when I'm hungry, and stop when I'm full. I rarely overindulge, and when I do, I don't sit there bemoaning myself for hours afterward. When we do eat vegan junk (trust me, there is plenty) we almost always follow it up with a big bowl of vegetables at our next meal. We no longer eat fast food, or out at restaurants at all really, and our meals are 95% fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.

I no longer feel the need to restrict anything because I've learned to listen to my body, and actually hear what it's saying. I eat as many carbs as I can get my hands on, and I still feel great at the end of the day. I have clarity when it comes to seeing what my body needs, and it's awesome. I no longer feel the need to calorie count, or "watch what I eat," because I've found the balance I've been craving. Ironic that cutting out over 30% of the average American diet lead to feeling balanced, but here we are.

I think part of this balance comes from the fact that a lot of the junk food we used to eat is no longer an option. By making these clear cut boundaries, it helps make choices for me. I no longer fight the urge to grab every cookie in the break room because I know they will make me sick for the rest of the day. Kyle made the point the other day, he doesn't even feel the need to get candy any more because all the good stuff is off limits (chocolate mostly.) There's nothing like the threat of debilitating stomach cramps to ward off any pesky cravings.

I would like to clarify: hold no judgement for anyone who eats animal products. Animal rights, reducing my carbon footprint, and lowering our grocery bill are all just nice side effects to me taking control of my own health, rather than the ultimate goal. I still get annoyed with vegans who feel the need to make other people feel bad for eating cheese. I understand that this lifestyle is not for everyone, and will cheer you on as you eat you bacon cheeseburger! You do you!

There are definitely things I still miss, but overall the benefits outweigh the downsides. I can get over not being able to have eggs for breakfast when it means I won't be a cranky pants all day. It's been a great experience for me, and while I can't say that I'll be doing this forever, I can say I'll be maintaining for the foreseeable future.

And to get even more new age and hippy on you, stay tuned for my next post about essential oils!

5 Things To Do When You're Stuck In A Rut

Every once in a while I get stuck in a rut. I feel my world creeping up around me, and can't seem to find the next step to break out. My creativity falls short, my health goes by the way side, and eventually dissatisfaction and negative attitudes are daily accessories.
Sometimes it takes moving across the country (cough cough) to kick those out of the way, but that shouldn't be my answer for everything (despite it sounding incredibly appealing sometimes.)
Most of the time, I have to find a way to break out of the rut right where I am, and with the resources I have in front of me.
I've recently broken free from a space like this, and I'd like to share a few things I did to help kick that negativity to the curb.

1. Unplug
Ironically this was prompted by plugging into a new podcast, but regardless I stand by it.
I started listening to a podcast on minimalism (The Minimalists) and in the first few episodes, they touch on how we are bombarded with technology, and have so much of it all the time. They mentioned cleaning out your phone (getting rid of apps you haven't used in the last month) and actively choosing to unplug. I tried this for a few days in a desperate attempt to break my candy crush habit. I tried to limit how much I was on my phone by setting limits at work, as well as at home. I pushed myself to set mini goals like "don't check your phone until lunchtime," or " no phone time for an hour before bed."
I noticed the effects almost immediately. I was sleeping better, could engage more fully in conversations, and was finding other ways to use all of that time. I became more productive, and felt the tingle of creativity starting to ignite again.

2. Stimulate
Related to the previous point, I find it's incredibly helpful to stimulate the parts of your brain that haven't been used in a while. Before last week, I couldn't tell you the last book I picked up to read. That's a little ridiculous. I'M A READER. It's what I do! Unfortunately, I'd let the every day tasks in life (as well as some Netflix and candy crush) replace something so precious to me. My books.
For some, stimulating your brain may be crafting, or painting, or doing puzzles. For me, it's reading. I've renewed my love for the library and plan to go every few weeks for some new books. The idea that there are new ideas out there just waiting to be discovered is incredibly exciting, and I am ready for it.
I've also picked up my writing again. Honestly, the first few days were filling out journal prompts from this book: 300 Writing Prompts. It was rough at first, and honestly I struggled. The prompts seemed boring, and it felt like I wasn't doing anything to further my pursuit in writing a book, so why try? Well, those journal entries turned into an article that I got published last week (If you missed it you can find it here) as well as a few pages started on a new creative projects (eeek!) Stimulating that part of my brain felt impossible. When creativity isn't readily available, I'm the first person to throw my hands in the air (And wave...wait) and act like I'll never get there, so why try? Sometimes a little (boring) stimulation can help get those creative juices flowing again.

3. Sweat
It doesn't have to be much, even just a walk around the block (or around Sprint Festival Plaza....heyyyo) can pluck you right out of that rut your digging. The other day I went running for the first time in who know how long. I took the dogs for a walk, and about 5 minutes in, decided I needed to push myself a little further. My body was craving that activity I'd denied it for so long. I ran for almost an hour, and it was refreshing. It was like I was pushing the sludge out of my muscles. That run turned into one gym session, and then another, and now I have set goals, and look forward to pushing my body to new limits. Getting outside, or to the gym, or even to your living room floor to get your heart pumping, and I promise you'll start to see the edge of that rut.

4. Cleanse
Your house, your face, your hard drive. Clean it all out. Taking the time to curate your belongings, and cut down to more of the essentials, as well as focusing on clearing out the dust and grime from all those nooks and crannies helps give way for fresh ideas, and new thinking. Having clean and tidy surroundings, helps motivate me to be my best self. If I have a clean house, I feel more put together and adult. I recently started doing facials again, and my skin feels amazing. These small things lead to making me feel like I can do anything.

5. Laugh
I'm really lucky in that I have a VERY funny husband. He can get me laughing in a matter of minutes. Sometimes, however, when I'm feeling stuck, or depressed, I don't let myself laugh. I scowl and get upset at something trivial and it ruins the moment. Letting go, and letting myself laugh at all of Kyle's rather silly antics helps loosen things up, and change my perspective. Whether it's a funny friend, or a funny movie, go find time to let yourself laugh.

Grief

Grief is an odd thing.
On one hand, it is an incredibly personal experience, and each person deals with it in their own way. It's unique to each situation, and the way we experience it can change day to day. On the other hand it's something to be expected. While each person may be dealing with it differently, there are life experiences where people expect to grieve. The loss of a parent is one of these experiences.
For those of you who do not know, or are not close to my family, my dad, Garrett Smith was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer in May of this year. At that time, the doctors gave him six months to a year to live. He chose to forgo any kind of formal treatment, other than pain management, to help his quality of life.
After receiving the phone call that he was sick, and going to die, I was rather surprised at the way it affected me. I was overcome with a tidal wave of emotions. I struggled with the fact that there would be no reconciliation after this year. For the past 23 years of my life, I have not been close with him, and have done my part to keep my distance. There were feelings, thoughts, emotions, and dramas in that relationship that have colored the way I view him, and really everything surrounding him. But the picture in my head of us eventually making up, and finding that relationship every one talked about, was shattered.
At that point in time, Kyle and I decided together, to forget the past and focus on the time we had left. There was a man in Seattle who I knew virtually nothing about, but who had given me half of who I am. It was time to try and fix whatever I could.
While I cannot say the relationship is where I imagined it would be, I feel like it's in a better place than it was 6 months ago. I've said my piece, and feel like I've changed dramatically as a person. My thoughts and attitudes towards Garrett have improved. I'm no longer bitter about the relationship we never had, however, I am saddened by the relationship we will be unable to have.
As I've made my way through this grieving process, I've experienced a multitude of emotions. I've been angry, heartbroken, embarrassed, hopeful, depressed, and numb. I've felt multiple emotions at once, and none at all, within the same day.
Grieving a parent or loved one who has a terminal illness is a slow and painful experience. It doesn't go away, and it seems to get better, only for it to get worse. I've had days where all I say to Kyle is, "I'm fine." and other days when I cry standing in front of the produce aisle at the grocery store. There are days when I want every update I can get my hands on, and other days when I don't want to know anything, and just ignore the whole thing.
Most of the time, I'm uncomfortable, and trying to figure my way through all of this, and because it's such a weird experience, I don't talk about it. Yes, there are times I will share, but usually my day to day emotions are just mine (and shared with Kyle.) I have found, however, that writing my way through this, or at least some of it has helped untangle the mess.
As part of my grieving process, I've been making a list. This list is composed of things that I'll remember, as well as things I feel I've gotten from Garrett, despite our lacking relationship. Somehow I think things are passed along genetically, and I would like to share a few of those with you today.

1. My love of a good cup of coffee
A few weeks after we found out he was sick, Kyle and I made our way up to see him and Cyndi for the day. We spent the day chatting, and catching up, and while we were there, learned that Garrett has a unique fascination with the art of brewing coffee. He has every contraption you could possibly think of for grinding, brewing, and serving coffee. He gave us tips on making the best pot, and has forever changed me from typical coffee pots to french press coffee. It really does brew a superior cup, if done correctly.

2. My love of a good play on words
While I don't have many memories with him, one thing I remember distinctly is Garrett sitting in his truck, repeating, and chuckling over a good pun, or a well-crafted joke. I remember one time we were talking about the beauty of words, and he introduced me to the word "Winsome." It's a beautiful sounding word, with a matching definition. It's been a word I've looked to use, but have never quite found the right occasion, though it has stuck with me since.

3. My inability to finish every project I start
While I'm sure it irritated Cyndi to no end, I remember Garrett having a torn apart, half-built tractor in the driveway for YEARS. As I've grown older, I've come to realize that I have that same gusto for starting projects, but get distracted with other things before I have a chance to finish. Just ask Kyle, we have about 4 DIY projects sitting on our front porch, just waiting for me to go back and pick them up again.

4. My artistic sensibilities
Going hand in hand with the half finished projects, Garrett and I share a love for hand crafted goods and creative works. While we often focus them in different ways, I feel we both have a tendency to lean towards the artistic and creative side of things. I remember he was always working on some project, and it saddens me a great deal to know that he is in a space now where he cannot work on those projects, or artistic endeavors.

5. My sense of humor
We have a very similar sense of humor, and I'm pleased to say Kyle has a little bit of it too. As a teenager I remember he'd make a joke, and as angst-y as I was, I would try to muffle a laugh. He's got a way with jokes, and is quick on his feet.

6. My height
While I haven't always appreciated it, I know that it was always impressive for me to be able to say "my dad is 6'9"." I still get a kick out of the look on people's faces when they imagine just how tall that really is.

7. My affinity for good (foreign) food.
I do need to give credit to both parents for this one, but Garrett was the first person to introduce me to Thai, Vietnamese, and Indian food. I remember him taking me to the pink and teal Vietnamese place in Bremerton, and ordering spring rolls and coconut juice. Also, Bubble tea. Before it was the cool thing to drink he was ordering me a mango tea, and him a durian fruit bubble tea. (Said it tasted like floor wax.) I remember him telling me stories about how he used to eat avocado in Brazil with sugar on it. (Still haven't tried that one.)
To go along with this one, I remember one Tuesday night we drove around and got ice cream cones from every McDonald's in town, to see which one had the best large cones.

While this is definitely not a complete list, it has many of the things I've thought about in the past few months. I know as the days pass, his illness is growing, and there aren't many days left. He's a good man, and has done a lot of good in this world. It's hard to watch him fade, and harder to know that he won't be around much longer. I know the grieving process has only started , and that it will get so much worse before it gets better again. But it's also sort of comforting to know that in some small way, be it a large ice cream cone from McDonald's, or a fresh cup of coffee, he won't really be gone.
I think it's important to remember that the people we love can still be a part of our lives if we remember to remember.

Why Moving Across The Country With No Job Was the Best Decision I've Ever Made

I've been mulling over this blog post for some time. I knew I needed wanted to write a post about our move...(you know, because I know all of you are chomping at the bit to hear all the gory details of our crazy flight from the PNW...)...but I couldn't get the angle quite right. Until I realized this crazy, fling it all to the wind move, was exactly what Kyle and I needed.

About a year ago, Kyle and I decided to get married because we loved each other and couldn't live without each other....but also we wanted to move across the country, and have a new adventure. I wanted to be married before we left and while that sounds way more practical than romantic, I'm incredibly happy with the way our timeline fell into place. I knew I wanted to marry him, and I didn't need the big fancy wedding to make it work. So there we were, newly married (still are but whateves) and saving all extra income. We saved our wedding funds, our tax returns, and any overtime, or cashed out vacation from work. I was babysitting every once in a while, and saving that as well. As we were planning, I really felt like we would be pinching pennies, and giving up so much. But in reality, we were able to splurge on some things, and after selling some extra household stuff, we made our savings goal fairly easily. 

Before we even knew where we wanted to move, we set a deadline for June 20. We did this for two reasons. 1.) Because it would hold us accountable to save. We really wanted to get a cushy savings account before we took off away from our families and any security. And 2.) For job applications. I knew that while job hunting, very few companies would even take a second glance at my resume coming from Washington, when they are hiring in, Raleigh NC for example. Having the date, as my research told me, would give employers a better sense of security about my intentions when moving. it wasn't just some pipe dream. 

Well, the months FLEW by and May rolled around with June just out of reach, and there we were with no job prospects, no landlord to rent to us, and palpable disappointment. We'd moved out of our apartment, and were living with the in-laws, which as great as they were, was feeling like a step backwards, when all we really wanted was progress. 

On the morning of May 24th, I was in the car driving with Kyle to work. and I expressed just how frustrated I was about not having ANY prospects. We'd set our sights on Raleigh, NC and things we not panning out. We had no more than a rejection from one job who'd given me a chance, and a stack of applications for hundreds of positions. This is about how the conversation went. (It was raining)

H "I hate this rain. I'm sick of everything here and I just want to GO."

K "Yeah, me too."

H "I'm just so tired of trying, and I feel like NC isn't working."

K "Yeah, me too."

H "Can we just go somewhere? Drop everything and go?"

K "Ummmmm."

H "We have our savings....if we have a place to stay, that will last us a while."

K "If you can find a job or a place to live by next week, I will move."

H "Really??"

K "Yes."

H "How do you feel about Missouri? I have an aunt there who's been begging me to move there for YEARS."

K "uhhhhh, Why not?"

That very day, I got a hold of Sara and we worked out a place for us to live (The Sherrick Shack as we call it now) and she had a few job leads for me. I applied for a few jobs, Kyle did some research and applied for some jobs and the next day we both had voicemail's about interview possibilities. 

Since then, it's been practically smooth sailing. We put in notice at our respective jobs, reserved the Uhaul, packed it up, and loaded our car on a trailer. We pulled out on June 20, our original move date, and found ourselves in Missouri four days later. We had no problems with the truck, or trailer, or the move at all. The last few hours through Iowa were tough, but we pulled through. We moved into our house, and have had plenty of time and money to last us. Within a month of being here, we've both secured employment and found little things about this place that simply work for us. 

Had you asked me two years ago, where I saw myself today, Missouri would not have even made the list. (Ok, maybe a visit to Sara....) And living in the Midwest, selling group tickets in a train station/museum would have NEVER crossed my mind. But, this job is everything I've needed, and then some. I feel at home, and I (not to brag or anything) feel I do a good job. And while I never thought working in a cubicle would be good enough for my creative spirit, I'm LOVING it. I feel more inspired to get home and write, and dream in my free time about all my other projects. The structure I'm given here, is just enough to help my freak flag fly when I'm not clocked in. 

Feeling at home in a place, is important to me, and I feel more at home in our little Sherrick Shack, out in the Midwest, than I ever have before. While we are sad to be so far from family, I can feel us building a network of people who I can tell will be important to us for a long, long time. We're testing new boundaries in our relationship, and while a month of unemployment and constant companionship may be tough for a new marriage, it's helped us develop in ways I didn't think were possible.

In short, moving to Missouri, with out any sort of security blanket to help us along the way, has been the best decision we've made together as a couple...except maybe when we have pizza for dinner..... 

I was telling a new friend the other day that I've only ever felt this feeling of "home" one or two other times in my life. The most significant, was while I was dating Kyle, and I knew, despite my worries and anxieties, that everything would be fine. It would all work out, and I just needed to trust. So I did...and here we are. 

Life is crazy, friends, and my recommendation is to trust your gut, and go with the way life pulls you. Missouri wasn't my first choice, but it was the right choice, and I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.