Making Life Choices: Suggestions Welcome

I am not usually the kind of person to dwell on the negative, but today is going to be the exception. I'm not really sure if it really is negative, or just scary.

As I was working through my day, I realized that I graduate in a mere 62 days. 

62 days people. 

Normally this is an exciting thought. Normally I can barely contain my enthusiasm. 

But not today. 

Today it was scary. 

Today I realized that though I am headed for graduation and should be working on final projects right now, I have absolutely no idea what I am doing after that day. On August 16th, 2013 I will be a college graduate without a plan. 

When this actually hit me, and let me tell you it hit me hard. The first thing I did? Called my  mom. I seriously love my mom. She is absolutely wonderful and has most (if not all) the answers. 

I called her and told her what I was stressing about....the tears welling up in my eyes. This is about how the conversation went:

Me: Mom, I don't know what I'm doing *sniffle*

Mom: About what?

Me: everything.

Mom: What do you mean

Me: I don't even know! I just don't know. *sniffles*more tears*

Mom: Can you give me an example?

Me: That's it, I can't even do that. i just don't know what my life is doing

Mom: school.  

Me: Well I know that! But what about after?! I have not prospects. No job. No boyfriend. No nothing!

Mom: Focus on getting to graduation. You can't do anything until then. 

Me: I know. But I don't have a plan. *more tears*

The conversation continued and my mom just kept reassuring me that everything would work out, even if I couldn't see how. She kept saying that the Lord has my best interest even if I don't know what that is. She kept telling me that sometimes in life we don't have a plan, and life gets boring. Sometimes it gets so scary because the next step is still unknown. 

That's where I'm sitting. 

I'm sitting in a cart on a roller coaster, and I have no idea what the bottom of the next drop looks like. The kid behind me just blindfolded me and so now every turn is a mystery. I feel jolted and like every time I get a 'no' answer on an opportunity, I'm being flipped upside down. 

I have been trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life for a good chunk of time now, and nothing seems to fit. I've thought a lot about full time nanny jobs, and even gotten interviews for a few, but every time i go to look at the details, I get that all too familiar gut wrenching pit in the bottom of my stomach. 

My mom had me list out all of the options available to me. That seemed to help, because it told me all the things I don't want to be doing with my life. 

I think the thing that is frustrating me, and causing all of these tears, is that in six weeks I have no idea where I will be. 

I am the kind of person that always has a plan. A majority of the time I spend more time planning an activity or life change than it would take to get it finished. School has acted as a structure for my life for the past twenty years or so. Now what? It's just me and I don't like it. 

I've always known what was next. 

I feel like this is a test of sorts, to see how I'll handle the freedom. What will I choose. Unfortunately (to quote my dearest friend Shelby) Heavenly Father thinks He's funny. 

What a guy. 

Lucky for me, I have a mom who taught me where to find the answers. I know that if I hang on to that one source of truth, I will be able to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my time. 

I know that with a little  faith and a LOT of prayer, I can figure out where I'll be in September. 

Until next time,

A slightly dehydrated, and incredibly nervous
Me.