I've been debating, for some time, whether I wanted to write this as a blog post or as a personal journal entry. I worried that a blog post would look "too real." In our social media society of only showing the good, I worried that my true confession would be the rain cloud on your news feed. That it would be too human and raw compared to the glowing engagement, and adorable cat video. I finally settled on a blog post because there are probably other people struggling with the same issues, and it didn't seem fair to continue hiding it. (I live in Washington rain is just part of the deal.)
So here it goes.
I have a terrible relationship with food. And when I say terrible, I mean toxic relationship.
I would venture to say I am addicted to it. I struggle with portion control, healthy choices, and emotional eating. I've wasted a ridiculous amount of money on food. I've tried more "diets" than I can count. I joke about it. I cry about it. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I think about is what I'm going to eat that day. Junk food, healthy food, it doesn't matter. If I can eat it, I struggle with it.
I've never really talked about it, but I'm sure if you know me at all, you've noticed. It wasn't until I joined into a fitness competition and was accountable to another person that I realized just how bad it is.
In high school was the first time I noticed that I would eat because I was bored or to fill some emotional gap. It was the first time I noticed I was eating for reasons other than to fuel my body. I wasn't AS hard then because my parents do a pretty good job of regulating the food in their house, but once I started driving, I frequented Taco Bell WAY too often. I'm not talking about a Monday afternoon "pick me up." I'm talking fourth meal in the middle of the day, every day of the week.
In college it was easier to hide it because it isn't uncommon to go out at weird hours of the day and eat, because YoUtH. It is acceptable to eat poorly in college, and even expected to a certain degree. I did live with some pretty healthy people (you know who you are) and that helped, but it was not uncommon for me to stop on the way home and grab a burger, and then eat dinner less than an hour later. I purposefully took weight training classes, and jogging classes so I could run off my horrible habits. It worked for awhile, especially during my time as a vegetarian. It wasn't until after graduation that it got out of control.
Last week Kyle finally sat me down and had a real talk about my health and my food choices. It's hard to hide habits like mine from someone I spend so much time with. He noticed I was having a REALLY hard time making the right choices, asked some hard questions, and I think finally got to the root of the problem. We've been working on a plan and getting me to a better place.
So on to the things I've learned....To me, many of these principles can be applied to a wide variety of addictions.
1. Admittance really is the first step.
I have struggled with this issue for at least 10 years. THAT'S A LONG TIME. I have always been able to justify my choices, and avoid admitting what I struggle with. It's an ugly truth. It's not pretty to spell out. It's hard, and embarrassing. BUT if you can admit it to first yourself and then to another person (see #2) it changes your perspective.
Honestly, I have to admit it on the daily. Just yesterday I was trying to tell Kyle that "I don't REALLY struggle....that much...." Luckily he's stubborn and just rolled his eyes. He waited, and then I said it again. admitting it to myself before I make a choice leads to a smarter choice.
2. Accountability is KEY
Addictions are usually swept under the rug and hidden from the rest of the world. I can tell you right now, if I didn't have someone to be accountable to, I would have failed the first day. Kyle and I have a system set up. At first it felt juvenile and awkward, but I can tell you it's really working. I'm still tempted to hide, or make decisions I'm not supposed to, but I know Kyle is going to check in with me. I know that he's expecting a text message every time I eat. (I told you it sounded juvenile.) As much as it makes me feel like a child checking in with my parents, it really has helped to have someone there to help when I need it.
3. Don't let yourself become vulnerable.
I have had to come up with safeguards for myself. Things I can trust when I can't trust myself. One of my "excuses" is real hunger. I literally have to pack myself 5 or 6 healthy snacks to eat during the day so I can't justify a trip to DQ on the way home. (I pass 2 of them). I also leave my debit card at home. If I don't have money on me I won't stop and grab a quick "snack" on the way home, or be able to have a mid-day "pick me up." I also no longer go grocery shopping alone anymore. (True Story: I went once and left Kyle. I stopped and ate a ridiculously embarrassing amount of McDonald's, JUST BECAUSE. I wanted it so I stopped and ate it. It's horrible I know.)
4. Be Honest.
This ties in with accountability, but if you aren't honest about your problem, it will never be solved. I hid my choices and binging for 10 years. I've struggled with body image, anxiety, and depression for 10 years because I haven't been honest with myself or those around me. I have to be upfront. I can't hide wrappers, or purchases anymore. I have to be brutally honest. In the beginning of the year, I tried counting calories. It never worked for me because I was never honest. I cheated on my accountability and it led to some pretty terrible choices.
5. One day at a time is just enough.
I have to take this one day at a time. Of course I have long term goals, but I take it one meal, one snack, one day at a time. As crazy as it sounds, every meal is a struggle. I have to actively choose healthy portions and healthy foods. I have to learn to tell myself "no," even when I really want it. As great as Kyle has been, and will be, he can't make the choice for me. As much as he wants to help, he really can only encourage from a a distance. (True Story: He had a dream about me going against his advisement, and locking myself in a candy store and going nuts.....talk about a rude awakening....)
It's only been about a week since THE talk. We took a weekend trip to Seattle, and honestly didn't focus on it as much as I should have. I ate HORRIBLY. I had a breakdown in the middle of dinner out with friends, and it was embarrassing and awkward. That breakdown in the bathroom put everything in to place for me. I have a problem. It's hard to face, and even harder to admit. I do however, have an incredible support system, and a plan. It's about direction, and not speed. I'm not as concerned with losing weight, as I am with fixing the issues at hand. I have the ability to tell myself no, and I am stronger than my cravings.
So there you have it.
